40 things old farts find sexy

But shouldn’t.

40. Knowing all the words to TV theme songs from the ’60s — and singing them confidently

No warm-up. No shame. Just encyclopedic joy. A three-hour tour. A three-hour tour.

39. Saying “Oof” when sitting down — and “Ahhh” when standing up A shared ritual. Pratfall for the soul.

38. A crisp manila folder labelled in elegant cursive lettering Especially if it says “WARRANTY INFO — 2009.” Power radiates.

37. Someone who remembers exactly why they walked into a room Raw. Almost supernatural. Feared.

36. Owning a dedicated pair of “good scissors” And physically blocking anyone from using them on cardboard.

35. The soft glow of a digital clock at 3:17 a.m. Nothing says mystery like being awake for no reason and accepting it. (Might as well have a wee.)

34. Knowing the precise location of the TV remote at all times Even when spouse insists, “It was just here.”

33. A dangerously competent grocery coupon strategist Saving $0.47 feels illicit. Almost illegal.

32. Someone who can identify a bird by sound alone “That’s not a titmouse. That’s Gerald from unit 14.”

31. A perfectly timed sneeze followed by a polite “Excuse me” Bonus points if no one else is in the room. (Ditto for all bodily gas emissions.)

30. Owning furniture older than middle-aged children — and refusing to replace it “This couch knows the secret parts of my body better than my wife.”

29. Mutual silence that lasts hours No talking. No phones. Just vibes and orthopedic support.

28. Meeting fellow Midwestern retirees at a Denny’s or an A&W The former on 55+ Appreciation Thursdays. (At the latter, cling to youth by remaining doggedly loyal to the Teen Burger.)

27. Ordering before the waitress finishes the sentence “I’ll have the meatloaf, two sides, no onions.” Experienced. Decisive. Dangerous.

26. Wearing a light jacket “just in case” — and actually needing it later Preparedness is intoxicating.

25. A heated debate over whether this location is better than the one off Exit 14 Regional loyalty runs deep. Passionately.

24. Paying in exact cash and immediately organizing the change Bills face the same direction. Coins sorted by size. Heart rate 140 over 80. Pulse 77.

23. Saying “Well, we should get going,” and leaving exactly 47 minutes later The slow burn. The long goodbye. The real commitment.

22. Having a nurse note on your chart: Can cut own toenails Flexibility. Precision. Independence.

21. Knowing your Social Insurance number and proudly reciting it whenever prompted A spell learned in youth. Never forgotten.

20. Keeping a landline “for emergencies” The emergency is trusting cellphones.

19. A handwritten address book with names crossed out — not updated They know why. (Except the dead ones.)

18. Referring to any appliance as “new” for up to 25 years “It’s still basically new.”

17. Adjusting the thermostat once per season And speaking sternly to anyone who touches it.

16. Turning the radio down to see better while driving Vision is a group effort.

15. Saving rubber bands in a dedicated drawer You don’t know what for. But you will.

14. Remembering phone numbers that no longer exist Sometimes for people who no longer exist.

13. Standing quietly at the window to “see who it is” No movement. Just judgment.

12. Reading the newspaper all the way through Including the obits of high school chums and the parts that make you angry. On purpose.

11. Having a preferred burner on the stove The others are … suspicious.

10. Saying “They don’t make things like they used to” About something made in 1993.

9. Sitting down to rest after doing one task “Just for a minute.” (Zzzzzzzzzzz.)

8. Keeping the original box “in case you need it” For an item you’ve owned since the Trudeau père era. Whatever it was.

7. Turning lights off behind other people Even before they leave the room. (The rare feat of a turn-off turn-on.)

6. Saying “I remember when this was nothing but fields” Regardless of geography or plausibility.

5. Recalling some hilarious mispronunciation by a child for the 63rd time Giggling more than ever. (Even sweeter if it’s a shared memory.)

4. Possessing a mysterious pain you never mention unless asked Then delivering a detailed timeline.

3. The residual warmth under the covers when your partner gets up before you do Ahhhhh.

2. That first sip of java in the morning Calling it java. Ahhhhh.

1. Remembering to pull up your fly just before leaving the house True mastery. Quiet victory. No witnesses needed.