51 Ways to Lose Your Country
Earl Fowler
Top 10 reasons for Canada to become the 51st state of the United States, as being advocated by some schmuck stateside:
10. Would put to rest forever the ridiculous notion that people who can’t afford health care are somehow entitled to it.
9. Would facilitate participation by eager young men in poorly thought-out military adventures and bloody wars that kill millions around the world. (Pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen, you ladies will be called upon to contribute by making sandwiches.) (Oh, and no pansies!)
8. Would accelerate melting of glaciers and channelling southward of lakes and rivers now being grossly underutilized. They’d be safe and warm if they were in L.A.
7. Would similarly smooth the path for more efficient destruction of forests and wholesale mining of Crown and First Nation lands, stripping away Radical Left environmental regulations and archaic treaty rights. Drill, baby, drill! Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!
6. Would eliminate unaccommodating worker protection legislation and all other socialistic red tape (they don’t call it Red tape for nothing), replacing this idiocy with a gun in every pot and a character-building regime of weekly school shootings.
5. Would create vastly more living space for the tens of millions who move north by shaving 10 yards from CFL fields.
4. Would eliminate the need to learn arduous conjugations of French verbs since no one will be speaking the language of Molière, let alone intelligible English, within a couple of generations. (And what the hell is a molière? A free shot in golf?)
3. Would royally piss off Puerto Rico, destined to sit on the shelf forever as an unincorporated territory with citizens disenfranchised from voting in federal elections. If we play our cards left and wind up with too many Democrats, we could be disenfranchised, too!
2. Would end the Big Smoke’s tenure as the Centre of the Universe. (Toronto would of course retain its title as the self-centred centre of Mississauga and Greater Burlington.)
1. Governor Poilievre would have to mouth an anthem that makes even less sense and would never get a chance to run a sovereign country. Hoisted with his own petard, as it were. (And just what in tarnation is a petard, Jethro? French for Area 51?)
We might even get to keep the Royal Family! Trump loved the Queen and recently swooned over Prince William.
Finally, a chance to get rid of that pesky border and all it entails. No more need to smuggle back vodka in the holding tank of the RV. Cheap smokes, booze and gas!
And a certain cut in taxes! Healthcare? We don’t need no stinkin’…pass the defibrillator. I feel like an elephant just sat on my chest.
Actually, a higher percentage of the citizens of Maine want to become a province of Canada then Canadians actually want to become part of USA. Let's let them in.
We’d be more than one state: B.C., Saskswatchitoba, Ontario, Quebec and Atlantis. That’s 5 governors! Let’s do it!
Great stuff, Earl, as usual. Strangely, I'd been musing about this topic too, thinking Danielle Smith might win the governor's job for her quick sucking-up on border patrols, or that an embittered Puerto Rico might ban future visits from (former) Canadians. Only clear improvement I can see in being No. 51 would be gaining WAY better fireworks on July 4 than we ever had on (former) Canada Day!