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A Royal Pain: A New King UpChucks

Updated: Oct 15, 2022

You could have knocked me over with a tortellino (I was dining Italian-style at the time) when the offer came in on my telefonin0: Might I be available to ghost the new British sovereign's momoir?

Yes: King Charles wished to tell the story of his painful motherless childhood. The poignant tale that only now he felt he could tell: The anguish of an awkward youth whose mom was never there

I'm not sure exactly what it was that got me the gig. It may have been my old co-bio of the late Morty Shulman, Can't Somebody Shut Him Up? Or perhaps, my recent paean in these blog pages to Blacks Lives Matter -- the Trumpian campaign to vindicate his good friends, the Barren—sorry, damned autocorrect—Baron Conrad and Baroness Barbara Black.

Charles has, understandably, been much occupied; but given his heart-urgency to unburden before he gets too old, has found time to have me briefed.

What a heart-stirring story of rejection and redemption unfolds--the arms-length heir, the decades of distancing, the pain of seeing your Mama mainly on the nation's currency--or on your allowance...

Above: The famous queenly flinch, at being called Mummy in public by her 70-year-old son.

Whom at last, in the end, it can now be revealed, she was affectionately calling "Mookie." the name of her most prized Corgi....

Wonderfully, Charles has chosen to frame his momoir in the unforgettable cadences of the song that haunted and informed the sad hieratic childhood--the tune that stuck in his parent-challenged brain. Namely, The Temptations' heartrending hit, Your Papa Was A Rollin' Stone.

The princeling envisaged his epic momoir as a call and answer between him and the only women whose caring touch he knew -- his nannies.


SAX: wowdewow wow wow wow

HORNS blam de blam blam

VIOLINS wail de wail wail de wail

DRUMS Boomachicka boom boom boom boomachicka boomachicka


It was the 8th of September A date I’ll always remember 'Cause that was the day Mummy finally died I never thought I’d ever succeed her Before I got too old and decrepit to be leader Nannies, I'm dependin' on you to tell me the truth...


Say Chuckie...

Yo' Ma was on a rulin' throne

Wherever she took her crown was her home

Traveled far and wide, and all she left /you was alo-ho-ho-one.

Tellin' you, baby--

You mama was a rulin' queen,

She didn't change no diapers, you know what I mean

And now she's died

They say you gotta make the monarchy more lean...


Hey nannies

Papa thought I was a namby-pam

Mama let him ship me to Gordonstoun 'n Austrialia, make me his kinda man,

Why'd she ever pick him, with all them other choices in her plan?


You papa was a Grecian Kraut

She thought he was hot, so they had to work it out

Battenberg became Mountbatten

And that's the way that love match came about...


--But say, nannies

We was never supposed to be the rulin' royals

Till stutterin' Grampa George got caught up in the toils

Mama coulda been a auto mechanic, happily just corgi-ing and horsing with the other royal goils...


Yeah, Charlie

We all admired Adolf for his bolshie-bashin' bit

Thought he'd wade in to Sudeten and that would be it

But he did a double-cross, we all took the hit

And your Uncle King Ed was his favourite Brit--

Dig it, Chuckie

Uncle Ed was Adolf's chosen king

Him and Wallis thought the führer was the real ring-a-ding

Ed had to abdicate

(With his dough & fascist mate)

And the crown became your new mom’s fate

Yes and though you may rue it, she grew into it

Royal mummy to her Empire-ate....


But hey nannies

All them years...

Colonials and showbiz types all over the planet saw way more of her than me

While she was travelin' from sea to sea;

Always off shakin' hands, never touched me ungloved.

How was I s'posed to know I was loved?

She was a mom by rote

Only got to see her when I had a 5 pound note...

....And so the pain-filled years rolled on. The angst of her distancing though he tried and tried to follow the Firm's traditions. Both Diana and Camilla were descended from great-great-great grampa's royal mistress, and Charles' unfairly derided love letters were on a plane with those of his ancestors.


Say Mummy

y'all preferred goody goody sister Anne

and scene-stealing teener Diana, enough to piss off any man,

No wonder I’d take a mummy-scan

like comfy mono dressin' queenly Cam...

In future instalments, he will tell movingly of the way he discovered he could magnify the missing Mummy presence.

Namely: Increase the number of Royal banknotes.

This, he turned to with great zeal and newly discovered talent. Banknotes were accumulated, in the first instance, to pile a sheltering lean-to of her beloved longed-for image.

But ultimately, they led to Mummy looking at him a whole new way--love blooming in her eyes, as her portrait proliferated in royal coffers...

Yes: That currency, when the Queen learned of it, became the currency of motherly love. As the kingly genius was lately chronicled in the NYT:

King Charles Inherits Untold Riches, and Passes Off His Own Empire

As prince, Charles used tax breaks, offshore accounts and canny real estate investments to turn a sleepy estate into a billion-dollar business.... turning his royal estate into a billion-dollar portfolio and one of the most lucrative moneymakers in the royal family business.

While his mother, Queen Elizabeth II, largely delegated responsibility for her portfolio, Charles ... assembled a large team of professional managers who increased his portfolio’s value and profits by about 50 percent....The conglomerate’s holdings are valued at roughly $1.4 billion, compared with around $949 million in the late queen’s private portfolio. These two estates represent a small fraction of the royal family’s estimated $28 billion fortune. On top of that, the family has personal wealth that remains a closely guarded secret....

In the final pictures, especially when greeting new razor-faced Tory Prime Minister Liz Truss, the late monarch's smile is more relaxed, genuine, and serene. For one thing, she knew that the farther-right the Cons, the safer the Crowns. For another, she felt she could peacefully lay down sceptre, crown and cane, upgrade Camilla to Queen Consort, depart the Empire and chuck this mortal coil, for Chuck.

We will hear, movingly, her son's new appreciation for, and final tenderer eulogy to his now-dear Mama..

So though I never really got to see her

As a ma she was a total absentee-er She took the fat with the lean

In her jewels she might preen

But like Freddie Mercury said:

It’s not easy being queen.

Our momoir work is continuing via royal Zoom, as kingly duties permit--not only the intercontinental hand-shaking, but close work with his financial team, to preserve that hard-built portfolio in the impending recession.

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