Updated: May 28
By David Sherman
Canadian Intelligence services have revealed the U.S. government has been overtaken by aliens.
These creatures, from an unknown galaxy far, far away, have morphed into human-like bipeds, posing as fervent white Christian Republicans.
Sources say the aliens are non-carbon-based life forms.
Rare and secret autopsies have revealed the alien beings have no heart, soul or conscience. Though their brains are under-developed, over the years they have acquired an ability to morph into any type of American.
For the most part, they are murderers, rapists, drug merchandisers, politicians and venture capitalists. Canadian security officials believed they first landed on U.S. soil around 1600 and within a few decades began sailing to Africa to kidnap Africans and enslave them in America.
Use of African slaves allowed many to acquire riches in land and money beyond avarice while doing no work. Officials believe aliens are repeating the process by paying slave wages to African and Latino-Americans or placing them in its expanding number of prisons.
Also, Canadian officials say, for recreation, aliens beat, humiliate and execute visible minorities.
These creatures masquerade as God-fearing Christians and members of the Republican Party or Grand Old Party. Though old, no one says they’re grand, sources say. They have infected non-aliens with their affection for whips, chains, guns and lynching.
Undercover agents have infiltrated alien gatherings and revealed their idea of a fun party is picking wings off flies and assaulting women. Victims are then vilified as nasty dogs and liars.
Luckily, not all Christians Republicans are aliens, though all aliens are Christian Republicans. Despite their determination to pose as rabid Christians, philosophies espoused in the tracts they worship are foreign to them.
They subsist on well-cooked meat smothered in ketchup, consume and horde vast sums of money and amuse themselves by preying on the poor, people of colour, females and other non-visible minorities such as Jews and Muslims.
Female aliens in American government are adept at imitating stereotypical humans. Hope Hicks, Ivanka Trump and Kayleigh McEnany have chosen a Playboy magazine mould of beauty and intellectual vacuity, with McEnany going for the full Christian conservative vibe coupled with out-of-this-world mendacity and naiveté.
Others, like Betsy DeVos, have eschewed blending with humans and are easily recognizable by their alien appearance and behaviour.
The same can be said of some male aliens. Jared Kushner, whose name was inspired by aliens from the planet Krypton, is actually a partially animated wax mannequin with an empty cranial cavity from Madame Tussauds.
Most worrisome, as they mutate, aliens are now capable of morphing into powerful African-Americans, such as Clarence Thomas. Or Jewish, as is Stephen Miller, a prototype for an advanced alien life form void of integrity or spine.
Miller has no heart, soul, conscience, remorse, or hair and has perfected cruelty. Intelligence officers in Toronto believe he is the asexual offspring of elderly alien, Mitch McConnell, whose human-like features are disintegrating.
Now, 400 years since they landed on this planet, it is believed the future of the Canadian democracy and the free world might well depend on our ability to distinguish between the genuine white American of good heart and the heartless aliens.
Luckily, there are tells. Aliens have an unnatural fondness for automatic weapons and trucks, wear handguns as decoration and use long guns to pimp their vehicles.
Another indication is obeisance to the alien-in chief, a former carnival barker on TV, Donald Trump. So illiterate, ignorant, unscrupulous and immoral is he, he has engendered the fealty of a large percentage of the American population. However, information obtained from well-placed sources say most of those who claim loyalty to Trump are also from another planet.
You can also spot aliens by a set of beliefs that include thinking the Earth is flat, America is the centre of the planet and only the poor should be taxed.
Some within the Canadian government believe education and negotiation is the best way to avoid being invaded and taken over by these same aliens, some of whom have already settled in Canada. They are learning French and perfecting myriad ways to say “tax cuts.”
Other Canadian officials believe a wall from one end of the country to the other is necessary. Early designs have called for it to be 20 metres high and ten metres below ground, topped with razor wire and SAM launch sites every few kilometres. In front of the wall, designers have called for a 50-metre wide, 10-metre deep moat filled with fracking effluent, alligators, pythons and Great White sharks. The cost, however, is said to be prohibitive and aliens already in our government are lobbying fiercely to keep the borders open for aliens while closing it to everyone but white Christian aliens.
If invaded, Canadians will lose their way of life, their Dijon mustard and café lattés and become convinced Denny’s serves fine food. Acquiring knowledge will become a felony.
They have applied for a license to operate a Canadian news network staffed by blond female aliens with long legs, big busts and small brains, to be called Wolf-TV.
Experience in the U.S. with a similar network has shown the daily barrage of the bizarre and ridiculous, emphasized by commercials showing beautiful people living ecstatically under the influence of expensive prescription pharmaceuticals, can transform normal humans into aggressive, babbling aliens.