Ask Marlowe: Alberta bound

I’m Philip Marlowe. I find missing husbands, dead blackmailers and occasionally the last surviving shred of common sense in political jurisdictions. If your country is in danger of being swallowed by a rapacious neighbour run by a senile grifter, write in. If you’ve got a scandal, write twice. Enclose a self-addressed envelope. I’ll lick the stamp.

Dear Marlowe,

Shamus, I’m drowning here. You gotta help me!

All I was trying to do was to burnish my populist credentials as a straight-shooting Alberta cowgirl, but I seem to have backed the old grey mare straight into a hornet’s nest and I don’t know how to move forward any more.

As the elected leader of five million buckaroos, sodbusters, galoots and the odd creep and bum from back East, I promised to hold a referendum next fall with the following question:

Should Alberta remain a province of Canada or should the Government of Alberta commence the legal process required under the Canadian Constitution to hold a binding provincial referendum on whether or not Alberta should separate from Canada?

Really, all I was up to was to demonstrate my bona fides to hardcore Alberta separatists, who have been pressing for a direct and binding vote on leaving Canada immediately. Wham, bam, thank you madame!

But the pur et dur think the question I’m putting to the voters — a referendum on whether to hold a referendum — is wishy-washy and that I’ve stabbed them in the back. Some of the ornery drifters and petticoat pensioners are now promising to drive me out of the Premier’s Office as a traitor, just as they did with the hapless Jason Kenney before me.

The majority of Albertans — who polls indicate have no festering desire to leave Canada — are denouncing me for causing vast, untold economic damage to both the province and the nation with the political uncertainty I’ve unleashed.

Prime Minister Mark Carney, who was raised in Alberta, thinks I betrayed him after just signing a historic pipeline deal with the feds. Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre, who was born in Calgary and represents the Alberta riding of Battle River-Crowfoot, has promised to campaign against the Leave side in the referendum.

First Nations are raging and have threatened to take me to court for violating treaty rights embedded in the Canadian constitution.

After meeting Tuesday with King Charles in Buckingham Palace, Assembly of First Nations national chief Cindy Woodhouse Nepinak warned the separatist faction: “We’ve got a beautiful country. If you don’t want to be part of it, you’re free to leave. You won’t be taking any land with you.”

This being politics, I still have a few supporters in my corner. As sneaky Liberal operative Warren Kinsella noted in a piece in the Toronto Sun late last month:

Is anyone happy about Smith making it easier for some morons to destroy the best country in the world? For sure. There’s the Russian covert influence network, Storm-1516, which Radio Canada International revealed has been helping the separatist cause in Alberta. Russian President Vladimir Putin sees a strong and united Canada as an enemy. He’s happy.

The MAGA Republicans are happy, too. DisinfoWatch, the Canadian Digital Media Research Network and CASiLabs have reported that “U.S. officials and influencers have joined the threat landscape” to boost the Alberta separatist movement. So, get ready for U.S. President Donald Trump to start promoting Alberta independence. His people have already been secretly meeting with the Alberta Canada-wreckers.

Right on cue, Blob the Builder revived his calls this week for the Great White North to become the “51st state” now that Canada has slipped into a technical recession as a result of his idiotic tariffs.

Kinsella’s dire prediction:

The only good thing, for those of us who still believe in this country, is this: It won’t be the end of Canada. But it sure as hell is going to be the end of Danielle Smith as premier.

Oh, Marlowe, I fear I’m turning into the David Cameron of Canadian politics — Cameron, the tosser who thought he could distract and placate the uncompromising right wing of his caucus by promising the Brexit vote that ultimately blew up in his face.

Gun-toting gumshoe, I earnestly implore you: What to do?

— Danielle Smith,

Premier and talk radio host extraordinaire

Dear Caucus Teaser,

I’m only going to say it once, sister, so listen up and listen good. Even cowgirls get the clues.

Next time — and there will be a prochaine fois now that the neverendum referendum saga has been unleashed, as the Quebec economy can testify — here’s the skinny:

Mama, don’t let your cowboys grow up to be babies.

That's all for this week. If your province is starting to resemble a police blotter, a divorce filing or a studio publicity campaign gone feral, drop me a line. Unless, that is, your name is Moe. Larry and Curly are still embarrassed over the transparent way you govern by waiting to see what Danielle Smith does and then saying: “Me too.”

Write to: Ask Marlowe 56 Sparks Street Ottawa 4

No cash. No confessions. No consultants.