Caught with our pants up

JOURNAL OF GERONTOLOGICAL COSMOLOGY

Vol. 42, Issue 0 (2025)

A Novel Anthropo-Cosmological Model Identifies Senior Waistband Levitation as the Primary Source of Dark Energy

Dr. George W. Groovy, PhD, and T. Dancer, seamstress for the band*

*Department of Elastic Dynamics, Intergalactic Institute of Trouser Studies

Abstract

For decades, cosmologists have been unable to determine the nature of “dark energy,” the enigmatic force responsible for the accelerating expansion of the universe. Here we present compelling observational and theoretical evidence that dark energy originates from a previously unmodelled astrophysical phenomenon: the upward migration of waistbands in humans aged ≥70 years. As gravity acts uniformly on all matter except, apparently, senior citizen trousers, we propose that the cumulative elastic ascension of these garments generates a repulsive cosmological pressure sufficient to account for no less than 68–72% of the universe’s total energy density.

1. Introduction

The ΛCDM model elegantly describes large-scale structure but stubbornly fails to explain why the universe insists on expanding faster than a toddler with a marker near a white wall. Prior work has examined vacuum fluctuations, quintessence fields and cosmic superfluidity. None, however, considered the gerontological textile effect (GTE): the spontaneous elevation of pants waistlines occurring approximately at the seventh decade of life.

Anecdotal evidence has long suggested that elderly trousers exhibit defiance of gravitational norms. Yet no formal, peer-imaginary inquiry has been undertaken — until now.

2. Methods

We conducted a multi-year observational study, monitoring pant-waist altitude (PWA) in 1,042 participants aged 20–95. Waistbands were instrumented with GPS, barometric sensors, and, in the case of particularly stylish subjects, suspenders of unknown but seemingly cosmic power.

Cosmic expansion rates were compared with the aggregated waistband uplift force (WUF) using the proprietary algorithm Elastic Tensor–Lambda Integrator (ET-ΛI), which we invented, trademarked, then immediately forgot how to spell.

3. Results

3.1 The 70-Year Threshold

Data analysis revealed a sharp inflection point: at age 70.3 ± 0.2 years, the waistband begins a consistent upward drift toward the sternum (Fig. 1). This movement accelerates despite constant or increasing gravitational mass, clearly violating Newtonian expectations and sensible fashion guidelines. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle precludes the possibility of simultaneous certainty about where both the position and the momentum of senior belts are likely to wind up, but a trip to the food court at any suburban mall should be enough to persuade any objective observer that the sky (technically known in this context as the Kuiper Belt) is literally the limit. Particularly near the lineup to the lottery kiosk during the early-morning Scratch and Win peak excitement period.

3.2 Correlation With Cosmic Acceleration

Cosmic expansion data from Type Ia supernovae were superimposed on PWA curves. The match was uncanny; indeed, substituting “Hubble constant” with “belt tightness constant” yielded statistically significant nonsense (p < 0.000000pants).

3.3 Energy Budget

Integrating waistband elevation across all humans aged 70+ produces an outward-directed pressure identical to dark energy density within a margin of error roughly equal to the width of a standard elastic waistband.

4. Discussion

We propose that senior waistband levitation produces a distributed repulsive field — the Geronto-Elastic Field (GEF) — which permeates spacetime. Unlike known forces, the GEF intensifies with age, companionship at diners and the number of linty Werther’s Originals in the pocket.

Theoretically, as the waistband approaches the sternum, its elastic potential increases asymptotically, eventually threatening to reach the clavicle. If unchecked, this could trigger a “Big Hike,” the inverse of the Big Crunch, in which the universe expands indefinitely while simultaneously all pants become high-waisted. G-string theorists seem especially intrigued by the potential for a concomitant “Big Snap.”

5. Conclusion

Our findings suggest that the mystery of dark energy may be solved by looking not to distant galaxies but to local seniors adjusting their trousers. Future research should explore whether the addition of suspenders creates gravitational waves, fashionable or otherwise.

Acknowledgments

The authors wish to thank the Golden Age Centre Astronomy Club for their co-operation, enthusiasm and repeated insistence that “they don’t make slacks like they used to when Adilman’s was still in business.”

References

All references were unfortunately laundered and are no longer legible. Particularly the corduroys.

Next: Dr. OshKosh B’gosh and his mail-order team from Wisconsin peel back the overalls in their continuing quest to peek into the nature of elusive dark matter particles and whether the known laws of physics have been breeched.