Dial M for Metamucil

It’s one of the many unfathomable quirks of human behaviour that members of the demographic closest to The Big Sleep themselves — seniors — are the people most addicted to murder-mystery shows and police-procedural dramas. That being the case, the real mystery is why there aren’t more titles and plot lines specifically geared toward satisfying the bloodthirsty proclivities of silver-topped wrinkle rockers, vintage editions and classic models.

Thus, as a public service, 25 humble suggestions for pilots:

1. Murder, She Wrote It Down Somewhere

A sharp-witted widow witnesses a murder at her retirement village and vows to solve it. Unfortunately, she keeps misplacing her notebook and spends most of the investigation accusing the same red-herring suspects multiple times.

2. The Case of the Missing Reading Glasses

When a beloved bridge-club president disappears, panic grips the community. The investigation stalls for weeks before detectives discover the key witness has been carrying the missing evidence in a glasses case she thought contained Mentos.

3. Law & Order: Special Recliner Unit

A team of senior detectives investigates crimes committed between dinner at 4:30 p.m. and bedtime at 8:15 p.m. Their greatest enemy isn’t the criminals — it's finding accessible parking stalls close enough to the crime scene.

4. NCIS: Assisted Living

After a suspicious death at a naval veterans’ retirement home, a team of retirees launches an unauthorized investigation. Their methods include eavesdropping, baked-goods bribery, weaponized gossip and disarmingly casual golf polo shirts.

5. The Maltese Falconry Club

A prized ceramic lawn flamingo vanishes, leading to blackmail, betrayal and murder most fowl. The clues point toward a ruthless syndicate controlling the retirement community’s bingo economy.

6. Midsomer Fibres

A sleepy village in a fictional English county is rocked by a series of suspicious deaths, all occurring immediately after residents switch brands of digestive aid. Coincidence — or the perfect murder weapon? Barnaby and Winter investigate, which means the killer was that seemingly affable character introduced in the first five minutes.

7. The Golden Homicides

Four feisty old gals share a house in Florida and accidentally become amateur detectives after discovering a corpse in their lanai. Every episode contains at least one murder and six arguments about thermostat settings. (And if you’re very, very good, you naughty boys, slutty Blanche Devereaux may just flash a little ankle.)

8. CSI: Boca Raton

A forensic team of retirees uses bifocals, hearing aids and decades of accumulated grudges to solve crimes. Their lab budget is mostly blown on hard candies and orthopaedic cushions.

9. A Few Good Meniscus Tears

When a murder occurs during an aggressive pickleball tournament, investigators uncover a web of cheating, sabotage and performance-enhancing cortisone injections. But is the real killer a grumpy neighbour rankled by the noise?

10. The Bingo Card Killer

A mysterious murderer leaves winning bingo cards on every victim’s body. Detectives race to decode the pattern while secretly hoping to cash in on the lucky seven jackpot.

11. Murder on the Mobility Scooter Express

Passengers aboard a luxury retirement-community shuttle become trapped after a wealthy resident is found dead. Everyone is a suspect, and nobody can remember where they were after lunch. Famed Belgian detective Hercule Poirot gathers and confronts the diners over minestrone, exposing their shameful secrets celery stick by celery stick. (Drawback: Sometimes his fake French accent is difficult to understand over the ambient munching.)

12. Columbo: One More Thing About My Cholesterol

The rumpled detective returns from retirement to solve murders while repeatedly interrupting suspects to discuss statins, blood pressure medication and why his wife thinks he isn’t meeting his daily bulk roughage intake target.

13. The Thursday Afternoon Murder Club

A group of retirees investigates cold cases every Thursday after lunch. Cases are frequently delayed when meetings are interrupted by naps, doctor’s appointments and early-bird dinner specials at White Spot.

14. Death Comes for the HOA

A tyrannical homeowners-association president is found floating face-down in a decorative koi pond. Every resident had motive, and many have PowerPoint presentations explaining why. Can I get a seconder?

15. The Silence of the Hams

A serial killer stalks contestants at a retirement-community Easter ham competition. The only clue is a series of cryptic recipes hidden inside church cookbooks. A census taker comes to the door and briefly notices a bottle of chianti on the table next to a simmering plate of fava beans.

16. Perry Mason’s Hip Replacement

Fresh from surgery, the legendary defence attorney takes on one final murder case. His courtroom strategy is flawless, but every dramatic cross-examination is interrupted by physical therapy appointments. (Drawback: Raymond Burr, the actor who plays the lead, seems to spend an inordinate amount of unscripted time interrogating a handsome pool boy in a lime Speedo.)

17. The Curious Incident of the Body in the Buffet Line

A cruise-ship passenger collapses face-first into the shrimp cocktail. Detectives must determine whether it was murder, an accident or simply a vigorous race toward the prime rib station. Persistent attendants insist that the investigators wash their hands before entering.

18. Mare of East Del Boca Vista

A weary detective investigates a murder in a sprawling retirement community where every single stinking resident owns binoculars and considers themselves a reliable eyewitness. They all have longwinded stories, often including cellphone photos of unmarried grandchildren.

19. Only Murders in the Sunroom

Three retirees start a true-crime podcast after a suspicious death occurs during a mahjong tournament. The podcast becomes wildly successful despite the hosts forgetting how to upload episodes.

20. The Bourne Incontinence

A retired spy suffering from memory lapses wakes up in a retirement village with no recollection of who he is — or why three different governments think he murdered a pharmacologist. The trail of clues leads through pharmacies, shuffleboard courts and increasingly urgent bathroom stops in shopping malls.

20. Dial M for Metamucil

A retiree plots to murder his unfaithful wife for her fortune, hiring an elderly hitman and establishing an ironclad alibi. But the intricately woven plan goes awry when the hitman suffers from acid reflux and assumes the cannabis gummies on the kitchen table are Metamucil.

21. I Shot the Serif

The surviving Dial M for Metamucil conspirators reunite years later to cover up a second murder, but their plan collapses when an anonymous witness posts the entire confession in the community Facebook group while trying to enlarge the font size.

22. Agatha Christie Presents: The Perils of Pauline’s Pill Organizer

When someone’s weekly medication tray is mysteriously rearranged, residents dismiss it as a mistake — until the body count starts matching the days of the week.

23. The Thin Med

A wisecracking ex-detective and his similarly witty, equally retired wife investigate a murder at a wellness clinic. Every suspect claims to be on a cleanse, making timelines impossible to establish and alibis even harder to stomach.

24. The Fast and the Furiously Writing Letters to the Editor

A string of murders follows a bitter dispute over municipal zoning changes. The suspects are all senior citizens whose primary weapon appears to be passive-aggressive correspondence about unwanted bike lanes.

25. No Country for Old Pensioners

After finding a suitcase full of cash behind the community centre, a retiree is hunted by a relentless Scandinavian noir assassin who is repeatedly delayed by road construction, prescription pickups and true crime podcasts on iHeartfailure.