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Five reasons the FBI put the names of the Monkees in their Book of Who’s Who

Earl Fowler

5) Micky’s shameless mugging and Peter’s zany antics appear to have been inspired by Krushchev’s mad shoe-banging incident at the UN General Assembly of 1960.

4) Makers of red and blue toques are complaining bitterly of a precipitous drop in sales after the run on green ones triggered by Michael Nesmith’s peculiar fashion innovation.

3) Despite having a TV in every room, Mr. Green isn’t so serene after hearing status-symbol land mocked disgracefully in Pleasant Valley Sunday. Auntie Griselda is pissed as well.*

2) They’re the young generation, so nobody gives a crap what they have to say. It’d be stupid.

1) The Boss just wants to know what Davy Jones is really like. (Also, could he bring his tambourine to the interview? And maybe one of those burgundy shirts. You know, with the big buttons and low-cut zipper tops?**)

* Hey, hey, here’s the irony. Kinda retro how the Monkees (and Boomers in general in the affluent late Sixties) haughtily derided dreary rows of houses that are all the same — an echo of Pete Seeger’s mockery of little boxes on a hillside/little boxes made of ticky tacky/little boxes, little boxes/little boxes all the same — which now cost more than $1 million apiece and are what the great majority of millennials and Generation Zers aspire (in vain) to someday own.

** Also, I think we should open a file on David Cassidy. We can’t be too careful. C’mon, get happy. — J. Edgar

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and if mommie is a commie then you gotta turn her in

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