He forgets I am 80: Facial De-Ageing Done at Home

How to Look Like You’re in Your Late Seventies Eight octogenarians from the Wrinkle Industrial Complex reveal the small, petty lies that shave years off your perceived age EARL FOWLER Special to Mortal Coil Monthly

There comes a moment in life when “anti-aging” stops meaning wrinkle cream and starts meaning optics. At 82, no one’s mistaking you for 60 — but with the right mindset, posture and selective omission of facts, you can absolutely pass for a sprightly 78.

We spoke to men and women in their early eighties who’ve mastered the art of looking just young enough to be smug about it.

1. “I Say I’m 79 Very Casually”

Aishwarya, 83

“I don’t announce it. I just say it the way you’d say your favourite colour. ‘Oh, I’m 79.’ If you hesitate, people sense weakness. If you commit, they nod like it checks out. No one wants to do the math. Who has that many fingers left?”

Aishwarya’s tip: Practise in the mirror. Confidence is worth at least three years. (It’s also worth splurging on a boffo pair of compression stockings.)

2. “I Blame Everything on ‘A Bad Knee,’ Singular”

Frank, 81

“I have multiple bad knees, hips and a back that sounds like popcorn. But I say ‘a bad knee,’ like it’s a recent sports injury. Makes it seem temporary. Late-seventies temporary.”

Frank’s tip: Never pluralize ailments unless legally required to do so by driving examiners (or yoga instructors on a first date; you should be so lucky).

3. “I Wear Real Shoes, Not ‘Comfort Shoes’ ”

Elaine, 82

“Oh, but they are absolutely comfort shoes. I just buy the ones that pretend they’re loafers. Once people see Velcro, you’ve added five years instantly.”

Elaine’s tip: Laces imply ambition. (But before he stays over that first night, make sure to hide that long-handle shoe horn behind the Shop-Vac in the garage.)

4. “I Use Technology Incorrectly, but with Enthusiasm”

Mohammed, 84

“I don’t understand my phone, but I trust it. I’ll swipe confidently in the wrong direction and say, ‘Ha-cha-cha! They must’ve updated it.’ That says late seventies. Early eighties would blame the phone personally.”

Mohammed’s tip: Never say “I don’t do computers.” Say “Dagnabbit, they change it too often.” (Wait. Maybe don’t say “dagnabbit.” Better to go with “consarnit” or “fiddlesticks.”)

5. “I Complain About ‘Kids These Days,’ but Mean 50-Year-Olds”

Marianne, 81

“If you complain about teenagers, you sound ancient. If you complain about people in their fifties and their dad-burned Smashing Pumpkins cassettes, you sound like you’re still in the mix.”

Marianne’s tip: Specific resentment keeps you current.

6. “I Still Order Wine, Even When I Shouldn’t”

Leon, 83

“I don’t finish it. I don’t even enjoy it much. But I order it. Late-seventies people ‘have a glass.’ Early eighties people ask for tea immediately.”

Leon’s tip: Sip twice. Push it away meaningfully. You can get to the Ovaltine later, in the privacy of your own apartment. (Anyone else miss Vico? Beep? Bireley’s Grape Soda? Gibeau Orange Julep?)

7. “I Mention Future Plans I May Not Complete”

Ruth, 82

“I say things like, ‘Next spring we’re thinking of travelling.’ I don’t specify where. Or how. Or with what stamina. It’s the idea of a future that’s key here.”

Ruth’s tip: Vague optimism shaves off at least two years. So does vaping emollients.

8. “I Get Up from Chairs Without Sound Effects (When Witnesses Are Present)”

Norman, 85

“If no one’s around, I grunt like a rutting walrus. But in public? Silence. Maybe a small exhale through the nostrils. Noise is aging. Silence is so seventy-something.”

Norman’s tip: Save the groans for people who already know your real age. Low creaking sounds always amuse the gang down at the weekly Tim Hortons coffee klatch. As will your tales of recently injecting your penis with acid so as to be fitted with larger adult diapers before watching ski jumping at the Olympics. “Hell, that’s nothing. You should hear the après-wee.”

Final Thoughts from the Editors of Mortal Coil Monthly (a Condé Past magazine specializing in calcium fashion spreads, end-of-life planning and the latest in tubular meat products).

Looking like you’re in your late seventies isn’t about denial — it’s about editing. Edit your numbers. Edit your complaints. Edit your footwear just enough.

And remember: aging gracefully doesn’t mean pretending you’re young. It means making people say, with mild surprise and a hint of envy,“Really? I thought you were … younger than that.”

Which, let’s face it, is the best you can hope for. And now, a word from our sponsor: