Idiom Wind: Love, hate & eproctophilia

Bob Morrissey

I opened the door and it was Beth, my neighbour with benefits.

“I’ve been thinking about our relationship,” she said, storming into my condo. “If things don’t change, we’re history. I’ve come to the end of my rope.”

Okay, lady. I see what you’ve done. You’ve used two idioms in one sentence. Mind if I join your little game?

“I think I know how we can spice things up,” I said.

“Not eproctophilia, again, I hope.”

“Hey, the fart fetish was your idea.”

“And who cooked the baked beans?”

“Don’t change the subject,” I said. “Let’s get back to our relationship.” I could hear a pin drop. “You’re always complaining. If you had any …”

She cut me off. “There you go again, insulting my intelligence. You think you’re so much better than me.”

“And that,” I said, “is the elephant in the room.”

An awkward pause followed and then I continued. “The problem with you is you can’t see the forest for the trees. You think we have all these problems and we don’t. Then you get your knickers in a knot.”

But she wasn’t taking this lying down.

“Put a sock in it. Get off your high horse. Our relationship is just the tip of the iceberg.”

“How so?” I asked.

“What about your money problems? Eventually, the well runs dry.”

“You’re talking through your hat,” I said.

“You think money grows on trees. You spend like there’s no tomorrow.”

“Give me one example.”

“Your Corvette. It cost an arm and a leg.”

I smiled.

“That baby’s one in a million … purrs like a kitten, and when you step on the gas it’ll blow your drawers off.”

“Ya, and it’s way overpriced. Boy, did you get taken to the cleaners. Did the salesman ever see you coming.”

Beth was just warming up.

“And then there’s our love life.”

Oh, oh. The calm before the storm.

“We used to be like two peas in a pod. When we made love, time stood still. Then you had to go cheat. You thought the grass was greener on the other side.”

Ouch! She had me by the short ones. It was my friend Harvey who let the cat out of the bag.

“So I made ONE mistake,” I said. “It was years ago and I’m still paying the price.”

I reached over and touched her hand. “We’re lucky if we make love once in a blue moon.”

“Ever think that’s because you’re not the man you used to be? That you can’t hack it?”

“Are you saying I’m over the hill?”

“More like you’re just going through the motions.”

That was the last straw.

“Please leave,” I said. “And don’t come back.”

“You might live to regret it.”

“You must be joshing,” I said. “There’s plenty more fish in the sea.”

With that, she bolted out like there was no tomorrow.