Koans for Modern Living

Master Po

Everybody was kung fu thinking. What follows, until next nonsense, is the sound of one hand typing.

And Zen what? When you can take the pebble from my hand, it will be time for you to read.

Enlightenment optional.

Tipping options: 5%, 10%, 25%, 35%, eternal samsara.

10. The Wi-Fi Koan

A student asked the master, “If all is one, why do I still need a password?”

The master unplugged the router.

“Now you are truly connected.”

9. The Instagram Koan

A monk posted a selfie with no filter and gained no likes.

He cried out, “Do I even exist?”

The master replied, “Only to you, Grasshopper.”

8. The Cosmic Printer Jam

The student said, “I printed the truth, but it came out blank.”

The master nodded.

“That’s the cleanest version.”

7. The Recursive Koan

The student asked, “What is the meaning of life?”

The master replied, “Life means asking that same stupid question over and over until you die.”

The student fell into a loop and had to be rebooted.

6. The TikTok of the Now

A young monk made a video titled “How to be Present in 3 Seconds.”

It got 2.7 million views. (Those cats were fast as lightning.)

The master said, “You’re late.”

5. The Sacred Printer

The master sent a single-page sutra to the printer.

It jammed.

He bowed deeply and whispered, “Just so.”

4. Why Did the Chicken Text a Message?

A chicken sent a text message.

The master asked the sangha, “Why did the chicken send a text?”

It was unread. The chicken was already blocked.

3. The Enlightenment of Barry

Barry reached enlightenment during CrossFit.

He shouted, “I AM NO-MIND!” and did a handstand.

Barry exists now as a protein powder line.

2. The Zoom Awakening

A monk spoke a profound truth on Zoom.

His mic was off.

Thus, the teaching was perfect.

1. The Sacred Email Thread

Gautama Siddhartha received an email with 49 replies.

Each one said, “See below.”

Below the bodhi tree, he stared into the abyss and achieved Inbox Zero.