Updated: May 28
By David Sherman
When this is all over, or even if it’s not, salvation, health and happiness can be yours. All you have to do is shop. Shop for yourself, shop for your family, shop for your neighbours, but shop for your country. The economy depends on you.
Grab that credit card, start big and, say, buy a bed. Who doesn't need a new foam-top, no flip? Make it a king size. With a canopy.
If your room is too small, buy new slim bedroom furniture. And, while you’re at it, change the lamps and grab a few sets of sheets. Throw in a bigger duvet. And what’s the point of sullying a new mattress in old pajamas? Might as well buy a half dozen pairs. One for each day of the week. The one night of the week you make whoopee, you won't need pajamas. But you will need extra bars of soap, shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer, cologne or perfume, bath oils, deodorant and salts. Maybe makeup, powders, edible and non-edible panties, garters, stockings, tiny bras, not-so-tiny bras, bustiers, camisoles, negligees, FM-pumps, flavoured lubricants, vibrators. Condoms by the gross. Doesn’t matter whether you use any of it. All that matters is that you buy it. Spend, spend and spend.
And once you’re properly equipped, why not dump your husband or buy a new wife? Spring for a new wardrobe for him or her. A ring, a few pairs of shoes, a new car, a membership to the gym. Buy your ex a small house, fill it with furniture, big TV, subscription to cable and every streaming service known to man. Even if it’s in Urdu. She or he needs a new car, too. And a maid. Just don’t pay more than $2 an hour. Don’t spoil the help.
And burn the old threads and buy a new closet of clothes for yourself. We don’t want anyone not paying full fare at the Sally Ann. We all have to do our part and spend, spend, spend. Stores are closed and they’re saying, in the U.S. at least, 100,000 shops will not open again. We’ll lose several thousand here. This saves wasting valuable shopping time walking along the street, browsing, talking to salespeople and asking advice. Comparison shopping? Forget about it. With most shops, malls and department stores closed, you save energy and hip, back and knee inflammation. The great thing is, there are now and probably in the future, only three places to seriously consume. And virus or not, you can buy anything in the world from the comfort of your hot tub or sofa. Which, by the way, is looking a little ratty. It’s time for a new one. And the carpet spread out in front of it? Dump it. Nothing like rug trading to give you a high. Amazon’s mantra is, “Sell anything to anyone anywhere.” Wherever you go, wherever you are, you can buy, buy, buy.
In ancient Greece, a citizen’s responsibility was to take part in civic affairs. To participate in democracy. Thankfully, in the U.S. model, those days are dead. The less votes, the better. Always ahead of the curve, Americans realize their civic duty is to consume. It’s time Canadians caught on. And it’s easier than ever, a simple choice between American retailers Amazon, Walmart and Target and, for the foolhardy, Alibaba. If they don't yet despise the Chinese, rest assured, it's only a matter of time.
The same for food delivery. Didn’t you hear egg rolls are made from bat brain, as are won ton soup and General Tao chicken?
Luckily, the U.S, government threw hundreds of millions, if not billions, at U.S. food chains. So, happily, your choice is limited to the essentials – burgers from McDonald’s; fried chicken from Popeye’s; chicken sandwiches from either, or Chick-Fil-A, proudly heterosexual and Republican, serving food, morals and democracy with every dinner.
Maybe authentic Italian from Olive Garden? But, they’re Italian. Do you know what’s in the meat sauce?
Best to stick with wholesome American dishes from major food corporations with 1,000 or more stores. Foreign atrocities like falafel, souvlaki, and sushi contain cut glass, street pigeon, even gold fish. I heard it on Fox.
And thanks to Uber Eats, young hungry men and women will put their life on the line to bring the delicacies to your door quicker than you can say, “What took so long?”
In today’s Uber economy, the hare eats, the tortoise is road kill.
So power up your smart phone or tablet or computer – better yet buy news ones – and start clicking. People need your money for their fleet of European cars, private jets, and a home with a pool for each appendage and child. Emulate the fabulously wealthy and spend selflessly for the good of the economy and the population, creating jobs, making America great. And, people need jobs even if the jobs don't pay enough to allow workers to buy anything, so you have to buy for them. Make them know they are not sacrificing their lives in vain. One click on Amazon sends a worker scampering through fulfillment centres larger than Major League baseball parks. The goods go out the shipping doors, workers felled by virus or heatstroke go out the back doors. They ride ambulances to charity ERs to build a better country, a better world. Employees are happiest when they're working three jobs and sleeping only two hours a day. In fact, they work half asleep but, when they fry their hand instead of a burger, there’s always someone else to take their place. So, to keep them working, stock prices elevated, wealthy people happy and the economy humming, buy, buy and buy again. And if you max out a credit card, get another. And another. And another. Make sure you die before they seize everything you bought.
Don’t worry about banks. If they collapse from unpaid credit-card debt, the government will print more money for them. That’s what small government is for – protecting banks and big business.
Henry Ford, foolishly paid workers enough to buy the products they produced. Workers bought cars, and homes and went on vacations, sucking up corporate profits and shareholder dividends. Luckily, heeding the call of, “There is no such thing as too much profit,” corporations started slashing workers’ pay and smashing unions. Profits soared for shareholders, who earn more from their couche, phone in one hand, martini in the other, than workers sweating over Ford’s miraculous assembly lines. Assembly lines that no longer sully our cities and have been adopted by every low-wage country in the world, leaving our workers to … work in fast-food shops or delivering fast food.
It matters not that the greased-stained worker can't afford to buy what he builds. Someplace on this Earth, someone can and will. And that might as well be you.
Our way of life depends on cradle-to-grave shoppers and that starts with buying cradles and ends with granite monuments sitting on beautiful plots – a worm’s paradise. Buy a couple of plots today. And might as well choose a few monuments. As the great president George Bush, aka Shrub said when the Twin Towers were incinerated, “Go shopping.” When the stock market crashed in 2008 after people selflessly bought homes they could not afford so banks could hoard unheard profits, bailouts and bonuses, it was our duty to buy stocks. Today, with the virus killing consumers and the economy, it's time to jump start our way of life and buy, buy, buy. There’s nothing in a virus that Hellman’s mayonnaise topped with ground Drano can’t cure. I heard it on Fox.
So, toss the mattress, throw out the husband or wife and buy an instrument, even if you don’t play. Maybe a Steinway baby grand. It’ll look great on your new living room carpet.
Drive the car over a cliff. If your seatbelts and airbags are working, you’ll probably survive and your insurance will spring for a new one. And the world will be a better place.