Rules where tourists rule

 David Sherman

1)    Don’t bother to learn a word of the local language. You’re on vacation with a pocket full of euros, pesos, dongs or whatever and credit cards with limits that exceed what the people who serve you make in a year. Maybe a lifetime. Insist on speaking English. When not understood, speak louder.

2)    When entering a restaurant with a group of fellow travellers, make yourself at home. Speak loudly, move chairs and tables around to suit you, ask for items not on the menu and when staff demur or doesn’t understand, see rule No.1.

3)    Once seated, drink excessively and talk or FaceTime as if you’re in your own dining room so the entire restaurant can hear you. If other customers don’t appreciate it, they can go somewhere else. If the restaurant doesn’t appreciate it, you can go somewhere else. You’ll spend more on dinner and drink then they’ll earn in a week, so screw ‘em.

4)    If not served within 15 minutes, complain. Good food is not worth waiting for. In American chains, most foods are pre-cooked, reheated and then smothered in some sauce or another to hide the fact the taste was cooked right out of them days ago. In fact, you might’ve probably forgotten what good food tastes like. Where’s Denny’s or A&W when you need them?

5)    Chances are you won’t return to this place so leave no tip or a token tip at best. Say one euro on a 30-euro tab or three euros on a 100-euro bill. People here are underpaid and overworked and you don’t want to spoil them. The hungrier they are the better they’ll treat you.

6)    Always rent Airbnb or its equivalent. This way, you’ll save a few bucks and locals will be priced out of living spaces, forced to pay exorbitant rents, share flats with a half dozen or more and sleep on the floor. They spend most of their waking hours working so no matter. It has nothing to do with you.

7)    Take Uber rather than taxis. Yes, once-expensive taxi permits are now worthless and drivers who know the streets and have been driving for years work twice the hours they used to but, again, it’s not your problem. You’re on vacation. And, you can add zest to your trip by wondering if the unlicensed Uber driver will get lost, rob or rape you. Maybe all three.

8)    To appear like a local, carry phone at all times and make sure you and your companion spend your meal times staring at phones while you eat. In many foreign countries, there is no phone etiquette. Rates are less expensive than Canada and phones will find you a restaurant, show and translate its menu, direct you to it and do everything but eat your dinner. This way you avoid having to talk with locals or attempt to learn their language. You can ignore your travelling companion, too. Ignorance is blessed.

9)    Take pictures of your dinner and send it to friends and family back home. In fact, take pictures of everything and everyone and send it back home. If you use FaceTime, What’s App, Skype, TikTok, Facebook and Instagram and, who knows what else, and it’ll be like you’ve never left. Better yet, people might envy you.

10)  At Bed & Breakfasts, the first meal of the day is free and usually served buffet style. Eat as much as you can and then stuff pockets and folded napkins with whatever you can — fruits, yogurt cups, hard-boiled eggs, covertly constructed sandwiches — for your lunch so you can make two meals for the price of one. This way next season prices will go up as you move on to pilfer food elsewhere. Leave the table a disaster of dirty dishes, cups, butter, jam and cheese packets, egg shells and coffee cups. After all you served yourself so why bother to pick up after yourself? Make sure you don’t leave a penny for the people who hustle to clean your mess. If everyone started leaving a euro for staff that rushes to clear tables for next shift, this would likely double their monthly income and reduce subservience.

11)  If you travel with your dog, no reason to pick up after him or her or leave it in the hotel. Bring it into restaurant so the other patrons can enjoy your pet and the flavour of its hair and dander in their food.

12)  Restrict your ambitions to resorts with beaches where umbrellas and well-oiled young bodies are as common as dandelions in spring. All-inclusive ocean-side spots are best because it is unlikely any language other than English will be heard. To assuage boredom, make sure acres of shopping are available. When the ocean and ogling young flesh becomes tiresome, why tire yourself on a trail or the quiet backstreets of an ancient city when you can hunt the aisles of retailers selling over-priced crap designed to pluck tourists?