1) You start out googling something in good faith. Want to know, for example, who that actress or singer or whatever she is, whom you’ve never heard of but is divorcing one of the Jonas brothers, whom you’re dimly aware of thanks to that gorgeous Indian woman old enough to be his mom that one of them married, and after a few clicks you come away basking in the revelation that Naomi Judd was the “girl on the bus” in that forgettable sequel to American Graffiti, but what was it you were looking for again? Oh, yeah. I wonder whether the split was Sophie’s choice or Justin’s?
2) Naomi Judd. Was she the mother or the sister? Better go to YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts and watch that hot dancing scene again between the other Judd — the pretty one — and that Mexican actress who was so funny on Modern Family. Muy caliente! (Just kidding about the podcasts. As if you or I get them anywhere. I don’t even have Bluenose.)
3) By some unbelievably sick twist of fate and lamentable misfortune, turns out you have just about every possible symptom of every fatal disease ever described by Dr. Google and it’s 60-40 whether you expire before tonight’s rerun of New Tricks, which you’ve already seen at least three times but fortunately won’t remember who the killer is until five minutes before the closing credits and that reassuring theme song that always reminds you of the Traveling Wilburys. Seven o’clock on Vision, after you wake up from your 10-minute power nap during one of those interminable features on the PBS Newshour. Viewer discretion advised.
4) As a consequence of these elite medical consultations and self-examinations, you find yourself behind closed doors, spending way more time privately studying stools and pee than is probably healthy for anyone. Is that a blood smear or part of Tuesday night’s raspberry lemon meringue? All that urinal foam can’t be a good thing or maybe it is so we’ll just do another Internet consult and holy shit!, there’s that iconic photo of Farrah Fawcett in that red swimsuit again!!! Ever notice that she and the young Wayne Gretzky must have shared a stylist?
5) Sometimes, especially before that second morning coffee, attempts to find stuff out are so vague and amorphous that after a few minutes of typing, you can’t remember where you put your mug, now mouldering at room temperature in an undisclosed location like Jimmy Hoffa or your first marriage. Example: Did Robert Redford and Barbra Streisand ever get back together in The Way We Were and why the hell was Al Pacino so desperate to pay for somebody’s sex reassignment surgery in Serpico anyway? Memories, misty water-colour memories. Did you also notice, by the bye, that Kevin Costner has left both his Yellow-jacket gig and his wife? I’ll just bet that Sophie was involved!
6) Do you suppose it was a Speedo that Farrah was wearing? Or maybe a J.Crew? You type in “what kind of bathing suit” and immediately some helpful options pop up in whatever that box is called with the magnifying glass thingy you never asked for: What kind of bathing suit for big belly What kind of bathing suit to hide tummy What kind of bathing suit is best for flat chest Last minute Alaska cruise $299 Erectile dysfunction: It’s not that hard.
7) Meet Asian women. Click here.