SOMETHING POPPED UP

Earl Fowler

I was going to do a piece on online popup ads and

BUY SCOOCHIE!

how the avaricious, iniquitous and unscrupulous scavenger capitalists that have hollowed

BUY SCOOCHIE!

out the print media and sold

YOU NEED SCOOCHIE! BUY NOW!

off the buildings and decimated

A BRIGHT FUTURE AWAITS YOU. BUY! BUY! BUY!

their st

SCOOOOOOOOOCHIE! YOUR HANDS NEED NEVER TOUCH THE MEAT

affs to unsustainable, unconsciona

BUY SCOOCH

ble

IE. VOLUME! VOLUME! TURN UP THE VOLUME

levels have made trying to read their

SCOOCHIE: PACKING PEANUTS FINELY MILLED

online commodity and supposed reason for their

SCOOCHIE: GREYISH POWDER

very existence — that is to

BUY SCOOCHIE NOW! DECORATIVE MANTELPIECE URNS

say, the photos and the arti

MEET SINGLE OLDER WOMEN NEAR YOU WITH SCOOCHIE!

cles — a maddening and almost im

BUY SCOOCHIE OR WE’LL KILL THIS DOG

possible task that leaves readers infuriated

SSCOOCHHHHHH! MAROON CORDUROY BODY BAGS

at both the publications and the

HOOTCHY KOOTCHY SCOOCHIE! NOW WITH ZIPPERS!!!

advertisers themselves

SCOOCHIE: It’S BRITNEY, BITCH

but it turns out all these lower-

YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE. BUY SCOOCHIE!

case words are cutting into the space that could have been

SCOOCHIE. NOT AVAILABLE IN STORES.

used for more cloying and annoying

SCOOCHED AGAIN: RELAX, YOU’RE SOAKING IN IT

popup

BUY SCOOOOOOCHIE: FOR NIGHTS WITH A DOLEFUL COUNTENANCE

ads. Be

SCOOCHIE! EVERYONE’S A WINNER!

sides, with all the infernal interruptions, I’

BARGAINS GALORE!

ve forgotten what

GOIN’ OUT A BIZ! GOIN’ OUT A BIZ! GOIN’ OUTTA BIZNES SALE!

this is supposed to be a

PLASTIC SURGEON TELLS: IF YOU HAVE WRINKLES, DO THIS (IT’S GENIUS!)

bout.

To get to the Comment section,

TURN INTO A NINE-YEAR-OLD HINDU BOY

scroll below through

GET RID OF YOUR WIFE

dozens of click-bait stories with mislead

SCOOCHIE. THIS IS THE WAY THE

ing headlines about saggy skin cures and fading celebrities

YOU WON’T RECOGNIZE THEM NOW!

with more stories packed

WORLD ENDS. BUY SCOOCHIE!

with more ads for Scoochie

SCOOCHIE! MOVING ITS SLOW THIGHS.

where shadows of the indignant desert birds

PLEASE ALLOW THIRTY DAYS FOR DELIVERY!!

DON’T BE FOOLED BY CHEAP IMITATIONS!!!

reel.

SHOCKING NEW DETAILS EMERGE ABOUT TRUMP SHOOTER

TWENTY-TWO ORIGINAL HITS! TWENTY-TWO ORIGINAL ARTISTS!!!!

EYE BAG REMOVER KEEPS SELLING OUT AT COSTCO

TRY THIS REVERSE MORTGAGE ESTIMATOR IF YOU’RE OVER 90

NOT WITH A BANG BUT

SCOOCHIE, I’M BEGGING OF YOU: PLEASE DON’T TAKE MY MAN

AN EXCITING OPPORTUNITY LIES AHEAD OF YOU WITH SCOOCH …

SCOOCHIE: I’LL TELL TWO FRIENDS. AND THEY’LL TELL TWO FRIENDS.

AND SO ON AND SO ON AND SO ON AND SO ON