Steppeth Right Up

Chapter 1 — The Book of Promotions

1:1 Verily, I say unto thee, Step ye right up, yea, step right up, step right up!

1:2 Let all who hath ears hear: For lo, everyone is a winner, and bargains abound as the stars in the firmament.

1:3 Yea, thou also mayest be the proud possessor of that wherein the quality goeth in before the name be writ upon it.

1:4 One-tenth of a Phoenician shekel, I say, one-tenth of a shekel — lo, we offer service even after the sale.

1:5 Dost thou seek perfume? Behold, we have it in abundance.

1:6 Or peradventure thou seekest an engagement ring? Yea, something for the little lady, thrice offered.

1:7 Three for an ingot! Three for an ingot!

1:8 Lo, a year-end clearance cometh; a white sale is nigh.

1:9 Behold, even the brimstone-damaged furniture shalt thou drive away today.

1:10 Act now, I beseech thee, and thou shalt receive a gift, a gift freely given unto thee.

1:11 They cometh in all colours, one size befitteth all.

1:12 No muss, no fuss, no spills shall mar thy days.

1:13 Art thou weary of the labours of the kitchen? Rejoice, for this is the end of drudgery.

1:14 Behold, the merchant declareth, “We are going out of business!” (All things must passeth.)

1:15 A going-out-of-business sale! Lo, fifty percent off the price aforetime demanded.

1:16 Shun the middle seraphim; settle not for that which is lesser.

Chapter 2  –  The Wonder of Wonders

2:1 How do we perform such wonders? How, say ye? By volume! Yea, by volume!

2:2 Turn up the volume, let the trumpet sound, for the offer hath been proclaimed.

2:3 Delay not, hesitate not, lest thou be caught with thy tunic down.

2:4 Yea, I say again, be not caught with thy tunic down.

2:5 Steppeth right up! Steppeth right up!

2:6 For it filets, it chops, it doth dice and slice, and lo, it never stoppeth.

2:7 It endureth forevermore. It moweth thy lawn and gathereth thy children from school.

2:8 It removeth the hairs from thy countenance, and maketh thy breasts smooth as two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that graze among the lillies.

2:9 It casteth out age spots, yea, even the embarrassing ones that resemble Marco Rubio and Pete Hegseth.

2:10 It bringeth thee pizza in thy time of need, and strengtheneth thy limbs.

2:11 It seeketh the lost slipper that hath lain in darkness beneath the chaise these many weeks.

2:12 It maketh merry with the Rhythm Master, and excuseth the lipstick found upon thy collar like a scarlet thread or a flock of goats, leaping down the slopes of Gilead.

2:13 And lo! It is but one denarius! Step right up, I say, it is but one denarius!

2:14 It shall forge thy signature, and if thou art displeased, return the portion unused, and the coin from the very pocket of the Virgin shall be restored unto thee.

2:15 Allow thirty days for its coming; be not deceived by impostors.

Chapter 3  –  The Miraculous Life It Bringeth

3:1 In it thou shalt dwell, laugh, love, swim, and sleep.

3:2 Yea, thou shalt swim and live and laugh and love within it.

3:3 It taketh away the shame of stained sheets, yea, even thy contour linens.

3:4 It entertaineth visiting kin and turneth thy pastrami on rye into a banquet.

3:5 Art thou wearied of being the jester of the gathering? Then change thy raiment — change thy life!

3:6 Be transformed: yea, into a child of nine summers, born of the East.

3:7 Forsake thy wife, and lo, it shall walk thy hound and play upon the lyre, doubling even so.

3:8 Shout: “Jump back, Jack!” and say unto thy neighbour, “See thee later, alligator.”

3:9 It shall steal thy chariot and wipe away thy debts of chance.

3:10 It quitteth smoking incense and abideth as a companion and friend, the only product thou shalt ever require.

3:11 Follow the sacred instructions of assembly; it needeth not be ironed.

3:12 It taketh away the weight of hips, bosom, thigh, chin, and belly.

3:13 It giveth thee dandruff and yet findeth thee employment — yea, it is thy employment.

3:14 It breaketh free the phone company and giveth thee ten for five.

3:15 It causeth thy breath to reek of wooden dentures and redeemeth thy traveller’s cheques.

Chapter 4  –  The Final Trumpet

4:1 Behold, it is new, it is improved, it is of ancient tradition. And we sayeth ancient, we meaneth ancient. Possibly prehistorically pre-owneth.

4:2 It careth for thy affairs, needeth no winding, for it windeth not — yea, thrice I say, it windeth not.

4:3 It casteth out blackheads and the sorrow of psoriasis.

4:4 Lamb of God, thou knowest not the sorrow of heartbreak, O Bread of Life.

4:5 Come hither, come hither, come hither, come hither!

4:6 For it is potent, and yet defective.

4:7 It bringeth odours into thine household; it purifieth, it sanctifieth, for thy safety.

4:8 It raiseth thy rod and staff, and it winneth elections.

4:9 Why suffer ye with corns any longer?

4:10 It is a token of redemption, with no binding vow, and no emissary shall darken thy door with Watchtower magazines.

4:11 A jackpot we have, yea, a jackpot! Prizes manifold! Prizes unnumbered!

4:12 All work is assured.

4:13 How do we do it? How do we do it? Yea, how do we do it?

4:14 We are in need of thy business, for verily, we are going out of business.

4:15 And lo, we shall give thee the business.

Chapter 5  –  The Rapture (Non-Refundableth, All Salesth Final)

5:1 Take thou hold of the business end of our going-out-of-business sale, and be not slack concerning this great opportunity.

5:2 Receive thou our scroll, even a free brochure, unsealed and without cost unto thee.

5:3 Read it diligently, and follow the instructions thereof, which are easy and light to bear; lo, the batteries are not included.

5:4 Send forth thy request before the clock striketh midnight on the morrow; for the terms shall be made known, and salvation offered unto the prompt.

5:5 Step ye right up, step ye right up, step ye right up, O ye sons of man!

5:6 For the large print giveth bountifully, but lo, the small print taketh away in secret.

5:7 Steppeth right up, and again I say, steppeth right up; thou hast found favour, O buyer most wise.

5:8 Come, come, come, and step thou right up!

5:9 Draw not nigh unto me, O child, for thou vexest mine heart — step back, for thou dost pester.

5:10 Yet still I cry, step right up, step right up, step right up; yea, come, come, come, come, come!

5:11 Step ye right up, I say again, steppeth right up.

5:12 Come and step thee up; yea, come and step thee up.

5:13 Surely, upsells and bonuses shall follow thee all the days of thy life.

5:14 Yea, though thou walketh through the valley of the clearance rack, thee shalt fear no markdown.

5:15 For the coupon is with thee; its barcode and expiration date, they comfort thou. Thee. Thou. Who the hellfire knoweth?

5:16 And thee/thou/they, depending on thine pronoun preferenth, shalt dwell in the house of promotional pricing forever and ever.

Amen. Selah. Steppeth right up.