Summer Pickup Lines for Seniors

Take the mitten from your hair. — Kris Kringleofferson

It was Tennyson who famously observed, in 1842’s “Locksley Hall,” that in the spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. Old bones take longer to thaw, of course, but with the lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer fast approaching, I’ve noticed a conspicuous absence of shoulder shawls and ponchos, cardigans and fleeces during the early-bird special lately at the local Tex and Edna Boyle’s Eatery & Organ Emporium.

If I’m not mistaken, the great Mungo Jerry was the first to notice that in the summertime, when the weather is high, you can stretch right up and touch the thigh. Sadly, nine times out of ten, it’ll just be your own. But as French poet François Villon wondered in his “Ballade des dames du temps jadis” — a paragon of 15th-century nostalgia — mais où sont les front-zip closures, magnetic buttons and fleece-lined tights d’antan?

And so as breathable layering, Stanfield’s cotton long johns and insulated footwear with slip-resistant soles fall forlornly by the wayside like the women in Trump’s cabinet, now seems like an opportune time to roll out 20 more contemporary pickup lines for hip and happening golden agers.

Strictly speaking, I don’t care who’s right or wrong. I don’t try to understand. Let the devil take tomorrow. For tonight both knees can bend.

But as Sgt. Phil Esterhaus used to exhort his charges on Hill Street Blues, be careful out there. Nine months after the last time we published a similar list, De Niro and Pacino both showed up in The Globe and Mail’s Lifestyle section lugubriously burping baby daughters. Hoowah!

20. I haven’t seen curves like yours since my last colonoscopy prep chart.

19. Want to come back to my place and help me misplace my dentures?

18. At our age, “doing it all night” just means neither of us remembered to take our diuretics.

17. You bring the Voltaren, I’ll bring the bad decisions.

16. To hell with “friends with benefits” — let’s be “friends with matching prescriptions.”

15. If loving you is wrong, the new Canadian Dental Care Plan should at least cover the oral health portion.

14. Baby, I want to peel off your compression stockings with my teeth … hand me that glass on the night table with my upper plate. Help me make it through the bite.

13.  You must be an Acorn Stairlift, darling, because I want to ride you slowly and carefully all night long. Or at least until Hogan’s Heroes is on.

12. I’m not saying we should fool around in the recliner … but it does have cup holders.

11.  Let’s make some memories tonight — before both of us forget why we came into the room.

10. Wanna come over and help me test the weight limit on my electric scooter?

9. You make me feel young enough to need a safe word instead of a medical alert bracelet. How about “Metamucil”?

8. How about you come over tonight and we practice making suspicious noises for the nursing staff?

7. Forget sexting — at our age, heavy breathing through nostril hairs during a phone call is already suggestive.

6. Baby, between the two of us, we’ve got enough artificial parts to make this a very expensive one-night stand. But first, back away from the fridge magnets.

5. Let’s sneak out behind the retirement home, baby doll, and steam up the mobility scooter mirrors!

4. Just call me your Velcro Slipper Honey. Once I’m on you, I’m not going anywhere fast.

3. I’m not saying I’m easy … but my elastic-waist pants come off in one smooth motion.

2. If you play your cards right, I might let you handle my remote … and maybe even my thermostat.

1. I’d say “your place or mine,” but honestly … whichever has fewer stairs.