Taking an online dementia test early indicator of dementia

Think you can accurately assess a complex neurological condition with 10 multiple-choice questions, a blurry picture of a rhino and repeated cookie pop-up ads for sham brain supplements? So do we! Our completely bogus, scientifically spurious, haphazardly designed Memory & Focus Test promises to substitute a three-minute internet experience for needless years of meticulous medical training. Discover how your brain performs under pressure and receive a personalized roadmap to unlock peak cognitive performance. Results may range from “Congratulations, send us your money,” to “Congratulations, send us your money right away,” to “I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

So help us, God.

1. Have you ever trained your memory?

   • Yes

   • No

   • Quiet, Piggy

   • Thank you, Alex. I’ll take “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” for $500

2. How often do you forget a familiar word you usually remember? • Affordability • Also affordability • Me no grok, you know, question thingy • Despite the constant negative press covfefe

3. How often do you forget the names of the people you meet? • Sometimes • Invariably • Immediately • Only stupid people buy windmills

4. Do you feel your memory is better, worse, or about the same compared with five years ago? • Better • Worse • I don’t remember • I’ll take “X” as my vowel 5. How often do you feel distracted when trying to focus on a task? • Never. In fact, I settled the Aberbaijan war with Albania in one day • Only stupid people buy windmills. Did I mention that? • Nothing bad can happen, it can only good happen • They’re eating the dogs, the people that came in, they’re eating the cats 6. You go downstairs to get one thing. You come back upstairs with: • The thing • Three completely different things (the names of which will come to me later) • A hernia • An algae-ridden reflecting pool, a billion-dollar ballroom and a well-spanked copy of Forbes 7. You confidently walk into a room. What happens next?

• I do my business

• Wait, this isn’t the bathroom

• I perform several thoughtful spins like a Wi-Fi router reconnecting to dial-up internet. Press 1 to connect

• Give the top of the Westinghouse a few smart slaps while holding the vertical control knob steady to stop the picture from rolling. (Dragnet is on at 7. That Joe Friday is the sexiest man alive.)

8. Which password do you use most often?

• Whatever my browser remembers

• “ForgotPassword123”

• I doubled the size of it, you dumb person

• Nice try, Buster Brown

9. Which one doesn’t belong?

• Apple

• Orange

• Banana

• Pete Hegseth (hint: like rhubarb, hegseths are bitter, fruit-averse vegetables)

10. Final Question: Who shot J.R.?

• Was it Lyle Waggoner?

• Oh … wait, I know this one! Dr. Richard Kimble. Destination: Death Row, State Prison. (The irony: Richard Kimble is innocent.)

• The Dumocrats. Take the B off, because most people don’t know that, you know, ‘dumb’ ends with a B, but most people don’t know … I switch the E with the U, and you have a Dumocrat

• Canada

Answers

Person, woman, man, camera, TV Your Results

Your cognitive assessment is now complete, which is reassuring because nobody likes leaving a meaningless questionnaire unfinished. According to our improbability-driven evaluation engine, your brain is currently functioning somewhere between the level of the absent-minded professor who invented “flubber” and a bowl of decorative fruit. This is considered normal to above average in a world where a majority of citizens can no longer understand the instructions on shampoo bottles and only stupid people buy windmills.