Tattoo You, Boomer

For decades, the standard baby-boomer position on tattoos was admirably consistent: they were for Popeye, his rival Bluto and WWII sailors who’d “seen things,” bikers named Snake, carnival workers who guessed your weight for a dollar, and inmates with homemade chess sets and a suspiciously detailed knowledge of homemade shivs.

Then something happened.

The post-war generation that embraced free love, acid and disco while disdaining tattoos as a sign of poor judgment has finally discovered what younger folks already knew: once enough accountants, dentists, lawyers and people who own bird feeders have them, they stop looking rebellious and start looking like another thing you compare prices on before making an appointment.

The pediatrician had a sleeve. The nice woman at the bank had a hummingbird behind her ear. Even the pastor had what turned out to be an extremely tasteful olive branch.

At some point, the anti-tattoo coalition found itself outnumbered by people who could explain both compound interest and traditional Burmese derma-pigmentation techniques.

Not that there aren’t still some fatty tissue wrinkles to iron out.

Tattoo shop operators interviewed for this report universally lamented that boomer clients still begin every appointment by saying, “Now, this isn’t permanent, is it?” before laughing harder than anyone else in the room. Experts predict, meanwhile, that Generation X will respond by getting tattoos that say “I Had These Before It Was Embarrassing.”

Like Facebook, only this time with needles and an increased risk of developing skin cancer.

Still, it’s finally happening, my fellow Groove W guys and gals. And to get you started, we here at the popular blog site Tats What She Said have compiled a list of the 25 most popular tattoos selected by ink-stained boomers and bearded ladies finally getting with the program.

25. Hush Puppies.

Not the dogs. The shoes. Specifically the little basset hound logo, because if you’re going to permanently alter your body, it should advertise sensible footwear that can accommodate a high instep.

24. The complete CorningWare “Cornflower Blue” pattern.

Less a tattoo than an heirloom.

23. Reading glasses hanging from a chain.

Inked directly onto the chest so the bad boy owners can spend several minutes each morning patting themselves before remembering the real ones are on top of their head. (From what we’ve heard, there isn’t a hot single librarian over 55 who can resist touching them when breathlessly levying fines for late returns.)

22. The words “Cashier Knows Me.” An homage to decades of beginning every pharmacy visit with, “I’m in here so often that the …”

21. A coupon that expired in 1998. “I know they won’t honour it. It’s the principle of the frigging thing.”

20. The exact shade of avocado green found in every respectable kitchen between 1972 and 1978. No image. Just a square of colour. People who recognize it immediately begin discussing harvest gold appliances.

19. “Please Do Not Throw This Away.” Placed on the upper arm, in keeping with a lifetime spent saving twist ties, rubber bands and coffee cans because “you never know when this little bugger might just come in handy.”

18. A lower-back tattoo reading “THIS ISN'T WHAT THEY MEANT BY TRAMP STAMP.” The joke is repeated to everyone in the waiting room.

17. A map of the mall from 1993. Includes Eaton’s, Sears, Radio Shack and a star marking the Orange Julius stand.

16. “ASK ME ABOUT MY KNEES.” Finally, a conversation starter that saves everyone time!

15. A rotary phone. Not because they’re nostalgic, but because we’re still convinced dialling a real number built character.

14. Their Costco membership barcode. “Also saves time.”

13. The exact instructions for programming the TV remote. An elegant forearm piece featuring “HDMI 2 → Input → Wait → Don’t Touch Anything.” Family members are grateful.

12. A tiny “Live, Laugh, Lower Back Pain” script. The artist suggested “Carpe Diem.” Senior clients countered with something more realistic.

11. The pigeons from the opening credits of The Carol Burnett Show. Nobody under 65 recognizes it, which is exactly how we like it.

10. A tasteful Celtic knot older customers insist is “just geometric.” After spending 45 minutes explaining they’re only one-sixteenth Irish according to a mail-order DNA test.

9. Their blood type, medication list and Wi-Fi password.

No explanation necessary.

8. The phrase “NO, WE DON'T NEED TO CHECK THAT ON BLOODY GOOGLE.” Located on the forearm for easy pointing during family arguments that last until dessert.

7. The phrase “I’M A BURNT-OUT ’71 FORD PINTO ON THE OUTSIDE BUT MY ASTRAL BODY IS AN ’82 DELOREAN.” Elicits boundless erotic interest from former hippie chicks and frank concern from mental health workers.

6. Their first Yahoo or AOL email address. The tattoo artist asked if they wanted the underscore included. They insisted. (Not sure why, Ask Jeeves for further information.)

5. A QR code linking directly to a PDF of their colonoscopy prep instructions. “It’s the document I end up sharing most.”

4. A perfectly realistic thermostat set to 68° F (and/or 20° C). Spouses instinctively reach toward it before remembering it’s body art.

3. A banner reading “I TOLD YOU I’D NEVER GET A TATTOO.” Positioned across the shoulder blade, where the owner will never have to look at it.

2. A dashboard warning light flashing “Check Engine.” Can be neatly paired with “Battery at 5%” icon.

1. A beautifully rendered “If you can read this, I’m going COMMANDO!” And forgotten to pull up my fly when I left the house this morning. Anchors aweigh, Olive Oyl!  A-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah!