Ten Things About Old-Fartedness

By Earl Fowler

1) Let's assume for the sake of this exercise that you're a male old fart. If at some point you and your very pregnant daughter go shopping together, women your own age will invariably fix you with withering, contemptuous looks. I had a friend in the same boat who once exploded at a checkout counter: “I’m just the grandpa!” Hey, #MeToo.

2) If their husbands at the checkout counter think the wives aren’t looking, a few will nod. Wistfully, even.

3) The older I get, the more I feel the urge to pose for the local weekly newspaper with a misshapen carrot or giant rutabaga from my garden.

4) My ultimate naughty fantasy at this point is to appear under the photo overline: “Some Cuke!”

5) Leonard was right: You do start to ache in the places that you used to play.

6) You will never in your life see more patently washed-out, bleach-boned basket cases than the excruciatingly miserable couples sitting behind landmark anniversary cakes in weekly newspaper photos. Sample overline: “Fifty wonderful years together.”

7) Still debating. Should I go with Glamorous Eggplant or Unforgettable Experience?

8) That’s not music, it’s yelling.

9) After a while, you start to think of the pocket lint on the Werther’s Originals as fibre. 10) Anyone know how to print out MapQuest?