Warning Labels for the ‘Mature’ Consumer

Scientists tell us that as we get older, we become wiser. This is obviously true, because older people know things that younger people don’t, such as how to program a VCR, who played that lovable young scamp Danny on The Partridge Family, and how to subtract 5 from 7 without a nervous breakdown or the aid of a calculator app.

Unfortunately, those same scientists have pointed out that age also arrives with an increased propensity for forgetfulness. Personally, I’m chuffed to be a rare exception to this general tendency … knock on wood.

(Hold that thought while I answer the door to see who’s there.)

Now where were we? Oh, yes. Litigation-averse manufacturers harbour obvious doubts about the perspicacity of the average golden ager. Which is why virtually every consumer product aimed at the senior market now comes with enough warning labels to qualify as light reading at bedtime.

As a public service nobody wanted, we’ve compiled a list of such advisories for your perusal. Especially all you woke insomniacs suffering from excess wakefulness.

But before we at the Geezer Goods podcast go any further, we’re going to need your initials here ______ and here _____ , and a signature here ____________, to verify that you’ve read the small-print disclaimer indemnifying the purveyors of said advice blah blah skip over this part blah for any costs, damages or hair loss you may incur by proceeding blah blah ignore this part too blah blah and in short, by continuing, you are now on the hook for our wife’s car repairs and entire family’s future medical bills unless you stand on one leg forthwith and cluck like a chicken. We are not responsible for any resulting fatal falls or broken limbs.

With that in mind ...

ForeverYoung™ Reading Glasses WARNING: Before accusing your spouse of hiding these, check:

• your forehead,

• your shirt collar,

• the top of your head,

• the pocket you checked twice already,

• the pair you’re currently wearing.

Manufacturer estimates that 87% of missing glasses are within 18 inches of the user’s face at any given time.

Recline-O-Matic™ Power Lift Chair

WARNING: Recliner is designed to assist users to a standing position.

It is not designed to:

• eject occupants toward the television to rant at news anchors,

• launch cats into the stratosphere,

• or demonstrate to skeptical visitors that “this thing’s got some torque.”

• Attention: Use of the “turbo” button while holding hot coffee is strongly discouraged.

SilverStride™ Deluxe Walking Cane

CAUTION: Cane is a mobility aid.

It is not intended for:

• pointing at clouds and speculating on the nature of reality,

• measuring the depth of puddles,

• retrieving objects from under furniture while refusing to admit you should have used the Grabber (see below),

• conducting imaginary orchestras,

• or emphasizing stories that begin, “Now this guy was a pissant if I ever knew one …”

SeniorSync™ Hearing Aids

NOTICE: Device amplifies sound.

It cannot:

• improve restaurant acoustics,

• translate hip hop lyrics or mumbling teenagers,

• filter out leaf blowers,

• explain what anyone on television just said,

• or settle arguments that begin with: “That’s NOT what you told me yesterday.”

  
  

MemoryMaster™ Weekly Pill Organizer

WARNING: The days printed on the lid advance automatically.

Opening Tuesday twice does not create Wednesday.

Squeeze-O-Matic™ Blood Pressure Monitor

For best results, avoid taking readings:

• during televised sporting events,

• immediately after opening investment statements,

• while assembling Ikea furniture,

• after talking to your internet provider,

• or whenever someone even older than you says, “Can you help me with my computer?”

  
  

Golden Years™ Smartphone

IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION:

• Device responds to tapping, not shouting.

• Saying “Operator, get me the police!” repeatedly will not summon assistance.

• Swiping is performed on the screen, not with a tissue.

• Placing phone in refrigerator will not improve reception.

• Taking a photograph of the television is not the same as recording the program.

• If you accidentally open the camera and spend five minutes looking up your own nostrils, this is considered normal operation. Also strangely intoxicating.

• Manufacturer is not responsible for 1,247 accidental nostril screenshots inadvertently sent to the family chat line.

• Phone cannot identify “that nice young man from the hardware store whose father owned the blue pickup in 1978.”

• Forwarding every message beginning with “Send this to 10 friends ...” is optional.

• Calling technical support to report “the Internet is full” may result in extended hold times due to above-normal call volumes with which our operators are currently … ha ha, we’re just messing with you. Stay on the line until you hear us hang up rudely and abruptly at the end of an infuriating taped message that doesn’t remotely address your issue. Feel free to use all the colourful language you want after that because we won’t hear a thing. Press 4 for we don’t give a crap.

EasyZip™ Compression Socks

WARNING: Removal procedure may require:

• the determination of Spartacus,

• upper-body strength,

• strategic breathing,

• leverage,

• and at least one sentence beginning with: “Well, Stanfield, here’s another nice mess I’ve gotten me into.”

Any sounds resembling furniture breaking may actually be your knees.

MegaPrint™ Universal TV Remote

WARNING: Pressing the Volume Up button repeatedly will not improve the quality of modern music; slapping remote crisply against armrest has not been shown to significantly improve battery performance or the memorability of Matlock rerun.

Classic Comfort™ Adjustable Bed

WARNING: Raising the head section to its highest setting does not make your political and medical opinions more authoritative, even when paired with waving cane.

FamilyGather™ Jigsaw Puzzle (1,500 Pieces)

NOTICE: Missing pieces are usually located:

• under the dog,

• inside the box lid,

• attached to your elbow,

• or already vacuumed.

Manufacturer accepts no responsibility for accusing innocent grandchildren.

EverBright™ Birthday Candle Set (Ages 75–105)

FIRE SAFETY NOTICE:

When the number of candles exceeds the wattage of nearby lamps, consider using Roman numerals.

Notify air traffic controllers in advance.

RouteRight™ GPS Navigator

WARNING: Repeating “ For f— sake, I’ve lived here for 40 f— years” has no measurable effect on satellite accuracy.

Making three unscheduled left turns solely to prove the GPS is wrong may result in the GPS becoming right.

Again.

The Clapper™

IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION:

The Clapper is designed to turn lamps on and off when you clap your hands.

It is not sophisticated enough to distinguish between:

• applauding your granddaughter’s piano recital on television,

• killing a mosquito,

• laughing so hard you catch yourself involuntarily slapping your knee like Festus on an episode of Gunsmoke,

• dusting the lampshade,

• or trying to get the cat off the dining room table.

  
  

Users may experience the following sequence of events:

Clap.

Lights off.

Clap again.

Lights on.

Clap because it worked.

Lights off.

Clap in frustration.

Lights on.

Spouse asks, “What the h— are you doing?”

You demonstrate.

Lights off.

Dog begins barking.

Neighbour sees flashing windows and assumes you’ve finally figured out disco.

Manufacturer recommends limiting demonstrations to fewer than 17 consecutive claps, as nearby family members may begin discussing “assisted living” within earshot.

WARNING: If you forget you own The Clapper and spend 10 minutes searching for the light switch during a power outage, this product is operating exactly as intended.

If the television also responds to your clapping, congratulations. You have successfully misplaced the remote again. (After uncomfortably wedging arthritic fingers into seat crevices from cookie crumb hell, locate misplaced remote on top of the fridge or in bathroom where you absentmindedly deposited it Wednesday morning.)

The Universal Grabber Tool

Finally, there is The Grabber — the magnificent invention that allows you to pick things up without bending over, thereby avoiding the series of noises your body now makes whenever gravity becomes involved.

WARNING: If you use The Grabber to retrieve your reading glasses, and then use your reading glasses to locate your Grabber, you may have entered a self-sustaining retirement loop from which there is no escape. In such an eventuality, initial here _____ and here _____. Stay calm, be brave and sign here ___________.

Coming next month to Geezer Goods: Hard Candies Ranked: Which Butterscotch Delivers the Best Value By Dissolving the Slowest?