Whistle stops

You might have noticed that we here at Spade & Marlowe have been obsessed lately with attaching noir movie spins — Raymond Chandlerized hooks, Dashiell Hammett-style twists, Warner Bros. pitches from the Bogart-Bacall era — to popular songs.

Being the dirty rats we are, see, we thought it might be fun to tap the noir potential of some familiar jingles by stripping them down to their emotional bones and then dressing them up in trench coats and fedoras. Long before we took up residence in Veronica Lake’s apartment, they were already soaked in cigarette smoke, splashed with bourbon and scored with saxophones.

And if you don’t know the words, just whistle a few bars. You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve?

1. Every Breath You Take — The Police Original Theme: Obsession masquerading as devotion. Noir Twist: A washed-up gumshoe tails a dame who double-crossed him. Chandlerized Hook: She had a kiss like arsenic and legs longer than a bad idea. And when she walked out of my office and out of my life, I couldn’t stop watching. Every corner she turned, I was there, just a shadow behind her perfume. She thought she was free. But freedom’s just another word for nothing left to view.

2. Rolling in the Deep — Adele

Original Theme: Betrayal, vengeance, heartbreak. Noir Twist: A woman torches the empire of the man who left her to drown. Noir Flavour:

We could’ve had it all — the rackets, the clubs, the keys to the kingdom. But he sold me out for a blonde with more teeth and fewer morals. Now I’m coming for it all. One fire at a time.

3. Smooth Criminal — Michael Jackson

Original Theme: A violent break-in, mystery of a missing woman. Noir Twist: Detective investigates a crime scene that doesn’t add up, only to find he’s been set up. Opening Voiceover:

Annie was gone. The blood on the carpet said struggle, the lipstick on the mirror said goodbye. But there were no prints. No motive. Just a whisper of silk and a name nobody could trace. She’d been hit by a smooth criminal.

4. My Funny Valentine — Rodgers and Hart

Original Theme: Flawed love, adoration despite imperfection. Noir Twist: A hitman waxes poetic about the woman he’s supposed to kill — but can’t. Rewritten Noir Monologue:

They told me to ice her — said she knew too much. But she laughed like she didn’t care the world was ending, and somehow, I started believing it wouldn’t. That’s when I realized I was staring at the wrong end of a Colt 45.

5. You Always Hurt the One You Love — Mills Brothers

Original Theme: Inevitable pain in close relationships. Noir Twist: A bitter ex-cop confesses to a crime of passion — but love is still the murder weapon. Noir Take:

They say you always hurt the one you love. But they never say what happens after. Me? I gave her my heart and she gave me six stitches and an alibi. Fair trade in this town.

6. Mack the Knife — Kurt Weill / Bertolt Brecht (popularized by Bobby Darin, Sinatra)

Original Theme: A cheerful tune about a dangerous killer. Noir Twist: The city’s slickest crime lord disappears — and his crimes unravel like a bad combover. Noir Angle:

They called him Mack. Sharp suit. Sharper blade. The bodies he left behind were punctuation marks in a sentence nobody wanted to finish reading. But the city remembers. You bet your sweet bippy it remembers.

7. Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered — Rodgers and Hart

Original Theme: Helplessly in love, even when it’s destructive. Noir Twist: A grifter falls for her mark — and starts forgetting which side she’s playing. Chandleresque Take:

I conned him out of five grand and half a heart. But somewhere between the second kiss and the third drink, I forgot which part was the act. Now I’m bewitched, bothered, half-cut and half-decent.

8. Stormy Weather — Harold Arlen & Ted Koehler

Original Theme: Gloom and despair after a love is lost. Noir Twist: A jazz pianist plays a final set in a dive bar before skipping town — one step ahead of the past. Final Lines:

Mama told me women will do you dirty. She didn’t say how fast they could disappear when the sirens start howling like stormy weather.

9. I Put a Spell on You — Screamin’ Jay Hawkins

Original Theme: Obsessive, almost supernatural devotion. Noir Twist: A private investigator suspects the woman he’s tailing might not be from this world — and worse, might know exactly who he is and what he’s hiding. Noir Flavour:

She moved like smoke and kissed like flame. I told myself it was just a job — snap a few pictures, collect the cash. But after the third night, I stopped sending reports. Either she put a spell on me or I just stopped caring.

10. These Foolish Things (Remind Me of You) — Eric Maschwitz & Jack Strachey

Original Theme: Memory, nostalgia, small details evoking lost love. Noir Twist: A man obsessed with a vanished woman slowly loses grip on reality — or maybe she’s not as gone as everyone thinks. Noir Line:

The cops say she’s dead. But I see her everywhere. Maybe it’s memory. Maybe it’s madness. Maybe it’s murder. The smell of cigarettes in the rain. A song from a radio across the alley. Lipstick on the rim of a coffee cup. These are a few of my favourite things.