Worn to Be Mild

Fire up the coffee maker,

Bare feet on the kitchen floor,

Check the weather, check the inbox,

Get the cream and start to pour.

Got my slippers, got my reading specs,

Got my coupons neatly filed,

I’m a king of the cul-de-sac,

And I’m dangerously mild!

Worn to be mild!

Worn to be mild!

Cruisin’ at 20 in those 30-klick zones, With a grocery list and kidney stones. Worn to be mild! Worn to be mild!

Rollin’ down to Walmart, With my reusable bags, Huntin’ for a bargain With big markdowns on price tags. I will wrestle with a shopping cart, Straddle parking spaces, Yeah, darlin’, go and make it happen, Take the world in arthritic braces!

Worn to be mild!

Worn to be mild!

Outside it’s all murderers and criminals Inside I suck Werther’s Originals

Worn to be mild!

Worn to be mild!

Worn to be mild!

First I’ll untangle an extension cord, Wordle starts at half past six, I’ll be shakin’ up the Scrabble board Not sharin’ my Sudoku tricks. Got a date with my prescription, Got the garden hose on spray, And if the neighbours throw a party, I’ll complain about it yesterday!

Bridge — spoken in a gravelly John Kay voice that gives way to a prolonged coughing fit

I remember Robert Stanfield,

Mitchell Sharp and Ray Hnatyshyn.

Missionaries on the TV All promoted their position.

Yeah, darlin’, go and watch me nappin’! I’ve got a full-face CPAP mask! My snoring sets the shingles flappin’. Under the bed I still keep a flask. And if you think I’m slowing down, You’d better think again — I’m taking out the trash tonight ... Before it starts to rain!

Watch the six o’clock news too, Shake my head at all the loons, Tell the TV what I’d do But first it’s time for prunes. Then it’s slippers, blanket, crossword, And a comforter at night, I’m a rebel with a thermostat — ’Cause I still use Fahrenheit!

Worn to be mild! Worn to be mild!

No more burning rubber, no more Coke with rye, Just a fresh pot of decaf’ Cause I still don’t want to die. Worn to be mild! Worn to be mild!

Outro — spoken in a wrinkled, aging Rod Stewart je ne sais quoi Got my pension ... Got my tea ... Got the bathroom light on ... ’Cause yet again I have to pee …

Lookin’ for my dentures …

In whatever comes on trays.

Worn ... to ... be ... MIIIIILD!

Cue electric accordion solo (but not too loud or I’ll make the same pained face that Trump makes during ceremonial flyovers). Fade out to an announcement from the kitchen:

“HEY! YOU LEFT THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN ALL NIGHT AGAIN!”