XXX flicks for LV+ers

Twenty-five classic adult movies for seniors:

25. Behind the Green Snore In a retirement home bingo hall, forbidden passion simmers between two rival oxygen-tank owners whose love can only blossom after lights-out and a synchronized snoring duet that rattles the ficus.

24. Cheap Throat A raspy-voiced lounge singer discovers that love, like butterscotch pudding, is best served warm — and with a side of menthol lozenges.

23. Debbie Does Dialysis Debbie thought she was just volunteering at the clinic, but fate — and a very charming nephrologist with orthopaedic shoes — had other, slower-paced plans.

22. Emmanuelle and the Electric Blanket On a windswept Florida lanai, Emmanuelle discovers the true meaning of heat when her dual-control blanket ignites a thermostatic romance set tastefully at “Low.”

21. The Story of Ohhh … My Back A tender tale of lumbar longing, as two yoga-curious widowers attempt the impossible: simultaneous stretching without a spotter.

20. Alice in Prostate(g)land A small-town urologist is torn between professional duty and a dangerously flirtatious waiting room filled with crossword puzzles and unresolved tension.

19. 9½ Minutes A steamy encounter unfolds in real time — precisely the window between evening pills and the 8 p.m. news. (I’ll have what she’s gumming.)

18. The Sound of Mucus High in the Alps of assisted living, a spirited governess teaches a family of septuagenarians to harmonize through allergy season. Edelweiss, Edelweiss like you never dreamed possible!

17. Raiders of the Last Hork An aging adventurer races against time — and a stubborn antacid tablet — to retrieve a priceless heirloom before it resurfaces unexpectedly.

16. The Good, the Bad, and the Snuggie Three retirees face off at high noon over the last fleece blanket in the clearance bin, proving once and for all that warmth is relative. (It’s not a joke. It’s a string, Tuco.)

15. Gone with the Windbreaker Scarlett O’Hara’s spiritual successor navigates heartbreak, humidity and a violently elastic waistband in this sweeping saga of love and sensible outerwear.

14. Back to the Suture A retired surgeon accidentally invents a time machine out of spare catheters and travels back to relive the glory days of elective procedures.

13. Jurassic Parking In a perilous suburban plaza, seniors circle endlessly in boat-sized Buicks and Lincolns, battling instinct, impatience and the sheer impossibility of back-in parking.

12. Indiana Jones and the Last Metamucil The famed archaeologist hunts for a legendary fibre supplement said to restore balance — and regularity — to those brave enough to stir vigorously.

11. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone In his golden years at a very affordable wizarding academy, Uncle Harry faces his most painful foe yet: a tiny crystal with enormous dramatic timing.

10. Mission: Impassable An elite team of retirees undertakes a covert operation to assemble an IKEA bookshelf without reading glasses — or emotional collapse. Ah, but which one forgot the Gas-X capsules at home?

9. I Am Furious Jello-O A widower wages a quivering battle against the dessert that wronged him at the church potluck, vowing never to wobble again. There will be graham crackers.

8. Harper Valley COPD When a feisty choir director challenges the town’s most persistent chain-smoker, sparks fly — mostly from the oxygen concentrator.

7. Glove Story Two former boxers rediscover love in the lost-and-found bin of a bowling alley, where mismatched mittens become a metaphor for second chances. But will gloves mean never having to say they’re gory?

6. High Cholesterol and Pissed Demeanours A scandal rocks the retirement community after someone swaps the margarine for butter, unleashing secrets, rage and dangerously elevated LDL.

5. Honey, I Shrunk the Ribs After a mysterious incident involving a microwave and a meat thermometer, a couple finds themselves waist-high to a plate of overcooked barbecue.

4. Sleepless in Grey Flannel Two insomniacs exchange longing glances across twin recliners, their love sustained by Earl Grey hibiscus and the soft glow of an infomercial.

3. The Devil in Missed Bones An ambitious orthopaedic surgeon makes a deal to become the top hip-replacement specialist in Lachute — at a cost measured in calcium.

2. Valley of the Falls In a gated desert community, residents confront their greatest fear: the decorative Zen rock garden and its treacherous, passion-killing gravel.

1. Fifty Shades of Beige A 97-year-old billionaire returns an 83-year-old librarian’s long-lost copy of Tess of the d’Urbervilles. She rereads it while sipping a soothing chamomile tisane under a grimy clerestory window as a red silk cushion on a threadbare settee coughs up the occasional goose feather. ¡Ay, Caramba! Muy caliente! 🌶️ 🌶️ 🌶️