Your assisted living facility or mine?

Dating later in life is often described as a return to simplicity: fewer pretenses, clearer preferences and a heightened appreciation for someone who shows up on time and knows what they want for lunch. There is also, crucially, less patience for poppycock, balderdash and codswallop.

And yet, somehow, hooey persists.

In community centres, coffee meetups, retirement socials and the occasional overenthusiastic bingo night, a particular cultural artifact continues to surface: the pickup line so catastrophically misguided that it achieves a kind of accidental artistry. Not good art, of course. More like abstract sculpture made entirely of misunderstanding and misplaced confidence.

We here in this space have occasionally been moved, out of the goodness of our charming and affectionate hearts, to serve up lists of flirtatious icebreakers for anyone still craving a little romance in their golden years. Which is to say, pretty much everyone.

Seems only fair then to delve, for the moment, into the seamy underworld of the guaranteed-to-fail pickup line — a realm where charm goes to get lost, logic takes an unscheduled nap and dignity quietly exits through the nearest dog flap.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with wanting to connect with someone. Human beings are social creatures, and companionship remains one of life’s more reasonable ambitions. The problem is execution. Specifically: talking.

Below is a curated collection of 15 conversational misfires, offered not as advice, but as a public service announcement. Lips through which such sentences pass will never again enjoy Werther’s-flavoured kisses:

15. I was told not to lift anything heavy, but I’d make an exception for your emotional baggage.

14. You must be a handyDART bus pass, because I didn’t expect to get this far without paying extra.

13. Are you a pharmacy pickup line? I feel like I should stand uncomfortably close behind you and cough, but I can’t remember what to ask for.

12. I must be a lost bingo chip, darlin’, because I belong in your square.

11. You remind me of a senior discount. Not all that appealing but I just saved $3 because it’s Tuesday.

10. No, I don’t come here often. The bloody GPS on my electric wheelchair is on the fritz again.

9. If you were a jigsaw puzzle, you’d be missing one piece — and I’d still try to assemble you wrong.

8. I see you enjoy watching Antiques Roadshow. Good, ’cause I have some junk that hasn’t been dusted in years.

7. You remind me of my failing appendix. Maybe I should take you out sometime.

6. No, I’m not glad to see you. But I always have gum in my pocket. Why do you ask?

5. Of course I have aids. A two-button folding walker, a stand-assist quad walking cane …

4. I won’t remember your name later, but I’d like to enjoy forgetting it with you now.

3. You remind me of my Handicare 1100 Straight Stairlift. I could ride you all night long. Or at least until Ironside is on.

2. Love is blind, but what a blessing anyway that we both have cataracts.

1. What’s the difference between a withered old member and a chicken leg? Give up? Let’s go on a picnic sometime.