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John Cleese skit thematically updated (to suit modern sensibilities)

Earl Fowler

A fashionable eco-friendly gourmet vegan restaurant in a posh part of a seaside town. At a romantically lit table sit a fashionably fluid pair, Simon and Fiona, deep in conversation. They takes their hand tenderly.

SIMON: When they’s with them, darling … they feels they’re … one.

FIONA: They won what?

SIMON: No. They’s at one with themselves

FIONA: Oh! At one with themselves …

SIMON: No, at one with … themselves.

They smiles.

FIONA: They so agree.

They removes a nagging piece of broccoli from between their front teeth and looks deeply into their eyes.

SIMON: They loves them, darling.

FIONA: They loves them, too.

They kisses their hand.

SIMON: Now, where was them, darling?

FIONA: They was saying their wife didn’t understand them …

Awkward pause ensues.

FIONA: Husband?

Awkward waiter arrives all the way from Barcelona, bowing obsequiously and waving the bill.

FIONA: Hamster?

WAITER (in what they fondly imagines to be a Catalan accent): They know nothing. Mr. Fawlty, they say …

SIMON (cutting them off, rather curtly for their liking): They loved it, thank you. Them garlic roasted radishes was exquisite.

FIONA: For them, the best part had to be the delightful artichoke dip.

WAITER: Excelente. And who gets la …?

SIMON AND FIONA (simultaneously): Hamster?

WAITER: La factura.

SIMON AND FIONA (simultaneously): Them.


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