Our Changing Bodies: A Golden Years Guide

If you can remember wincing, eye-rolling and giggling through those sex-ed films that were inflicted on adolescents by reel-to-reel projectors and really reluctant teachers in the Fifties and Sixties, then scooby dooby do, class! Zip it. Lock it. (And by that, we mean your mouths.) It’s time for a refresher course with a more mature outlook. Horshack, kill the lights. And when it’s over, let’s not always see the same hands.

[Cheery orchestral music rises over the spooling and clicking sound of black-and-white film as the designated class geek — who would go on to become a Silicon Valley billionaire but is still best remembered by former classmates 60 years later for getting an eraser stuck up his nose in Grade 3 — proudly operates an ancient 16 mm movie projector. A smiling, silver-haired narrator stands in front of a chalkboard labelled “LIFE.”]

NARRATOR (voice smooth as Ovaltine): Hello there, friends! And welcome to “Our Even More Changing Bodies.” If you’re watching this film, congratulations! You’ve lived long enough to forget where you put your keys, but not your sense of humour.

You made it through puberty, parenthood, polyester slacks and quite possibly disco. Now you’re entering a new phase of life — what the scientists refer to by its proper Latin term, “pedit frequenter”... and what the rest of us call, “I swear my knee didn’t used to sound like a bag of Doritos.”

Let’s dive in, shall we?

[Cut to two actors: “Frank,” a white-haired gentleman in a cardigan, and “Marge,” a dignified lady with a sensible perm and orthopaedic heels.]

NARRATOR: Meet Frank and Marge. They’ve been married for 45 years, and for 43 of those, Frank has snored like a Harley Davidson idling in a barn.

They’re here to help us explore the exciting changes the human body experiences after 65.

CHAPTER ONE: THE MYSTERIES OF METABOLISM

[Frank stares sadly at a bran muffin the size of a boulder.]

NARRATOR: Remember when you could down an entire meatloaf, six beers and a bowl of chili … and still fit into your bowling shirt? Those days are gone, Frank. Your metabolism now moves slower than Joe Biden mired in peanut butter.

[Frank looks at his stomach in the mirror and pokes it. The Debby Downer wah wah sound is heard and a balloon suddenly deflates in the background.]

CHAPTER TWO: HORMONES — BACK FOR REVENGE

NARRATOR: You might remember hormones from your teenage years: the things that turned your face into a pepperoni pizza and made you cry during Clearasil commercials.

Now? They’ve returned ... with fewer pimples but way more hot flashes.

[Cut to Marge frantically fanning herself with a church bulletin.]

MARGE (sweating): Is it hot in here or is it just my ovaries throwing a farewell party?

NARRATOR: Right, Marge! You’re soaking in it. Menopause is nature’s way of saying, “Congratulations, your uterus is retired! Time to replace estrogen with rage and Werther’s Originals.”

[Cut to Frank sitting on a couch with a heating pad on his back and a cold pack on his knee.]

FRANK: My testosterone went out for milk in 1998. Never came back.

[Cut to cameo of Marge and Frank’s nine-year-old grandson for a little comic relief to lighten the mood.]

BILLY: Gee, Papa, the Fruit Loops sure taste funny again.

CHAPTER THREE: INTIMACY IN THE GOLDEN YEARS

[Cue romantic music. Frank tries to seductively lower himself onto the bed. There are a series of creaks, groans and finally a definitive “thunk.”]

NARRATOR: Just because you're getting older doesn’t mean romance is out of the question. It just takes a bit longer — and often involves a support cushion and joint lubricant.

[Cut to Marge holding up a bottle.]

MARGE: This used to be for massages. Now it’s for the water sacks under my elbows.

[They both laugh. Then wince.]

NARRATOR: Desire doesn’t disappear — it just takes longer to get started. Kind of like your Wi-Fi. Or Frank. But communication is key. And so is stretching first.

CHAPTER FOUR: UNEXPECTED SYMPTOMS

NARRATOR: Your body may surprise you in new and exciting — and by exciting, we mean deeply inconvenient — ways.

[Cut to Frank sneezing and immediately checking his pants.]

NARRATOR: Pro tip: You’ve all heard that off-colour joke about never trusting a fart after turning 70. Well, Frank can personally testify that the same goes for sneezes.

[Cut to Marge at a pharmacy holding two grocery bags’ worth of supplements.]

MARGE: Do I take the glucosamine before or after the turmeric, or do they cancel each other out and summon a chiropractor? Maybe I should just light up a big fat doo …

[Artlessly abrupt cut goes here; someone in the back row starts making farm animal noises]

CHAPTER FIVE: ACCEPTANCE & AWKWARD FAMILY CONVERSATIONS

[Cut to Marge talking to her grown daughter on the phone.]

MARGE: No, of course I’m not cheating on your father, sweetie. Derek’s my pickleball instructor. … Well, yes, sometimes he serves up a cuddle, but never on the court.

NARRATOR: You may be sexually active — and that’s great! But remember: protection isn’t just for teenagers. STDs do not respect early-bird specials.

[Cut to Frank holding up a condom and squinting.]

FRANK: Is this a balloon animal kit? Why does it have just one eye?

CONCLUSION: STILL CHANGING, STILL ENJOYING LIFE

[Montage of Frank and Marge gardening, dancing slowly, and nodding off in recliners mid-conversation.]

NARRATOR: Aging brings challenges, surprises and the occasional weird noise from your hip when you stand up. But it also brings wisdom, perspective and the sheer joy of knowing you’ve made it through the buffet of life with gravy on your shirt and a story to tell. Over and over again. A story absolutely no one is interested in hearing.

So embrace your even more changing body. Laugh at the creaks. Celebrate the sags. And remember: You may be a vintage model — but baby, you’ve still got mileage to spare.

[Cut to Frank and Marge high-fiving. Freeze frame. Cue upbeat 1950s-style jingle.]

🎵“Snap, crackle, pop, stay frisky! When it just flops, try whisky!”🎵

[NEXT WEEK: Our Changing Drinking Habits]