Words of wisdom for the aged. Really?

David Sherman

News is harrowing. As comic Lewis Black said, every story in the New York Times was enough to give him colitis. And those were good days.

Our golden years are tarnished with brass, pitched as a time to sit in a rocking chair on the front porch smoking a pipe, recalling the good ol’ days.

Smoking causes cancer, front porches are passé and the darkness of the present has thrown a shroud over the past.

But, the internet promises salvation. To cope with the miasma of aging and world affairs, it offers the cynical and crotchety a step-by-step program to ensure and maintain positive energy, optimism and well-being.

Supposedly, if one indulges in the following, life will be a bowl of peeled lychee. Teeth not required.

Practice mindfulness and meditation: These techniques help seniors stay grounded, manage emotions effectively, and promote resilience during challenging times. Regular practice can enhance overall life satisfaction and maintain mental agility.

Meditation, it turns out, is not peaceful. I sit, breathe deep and ponder fire and brimstone, feel my BP rise. I meditate on how bad the news is. Even if I don’t read it, it’s in the air like C02. In fact, if there was good news, I wouldn’t recognize it and wouldn’t believe it. My agile state of mind says, “Screw this. It’s nap time.”

Focus on positive news: Seek out positive stories or news that emphasizes solutions rather than just problems. This can counteract the negative effects of bad news and remind seniors that positive change is happening in the world.

There is no positive news. Everybody hates everybody and half the world wants to kill the other half. Except hockey, a palliative few hours where attempted murder earns a criminal 5-minute major and the home team sometimes wins. There’s also caged ultimate fighting where attempted murder wins a belt, homicide a championship.

Positive change would be news. Biggest change for the positive was turning off the news. I can now concentrate completely on my sore hips and knees and if I’ll get to the washroom on time.

Engage in physical activity: Regular exercise, such as walking or light aerobics, releases mood-boosting endorphins and helps maintain physical health, which is closely linked to mental well-being.

Can’t. It hurts. My endorphins left town when I hit 65. They don’t even send a lousy postcard or an email. My mental being is simply mental.

Maintain social connections: Interacting with family, friends, or community groups provides emotional support and combats feelings of loneliness often experienced by the elderly.

Can’t. It hurts and nobody likes me. I’m not so crazy about them, either. 

Pursue hobbies and interests: Engaging in activities like dancing, cooking, gardening, or traveling can help seniors stay engaged, maintain a sense of purpose and potentially delay cognitive decline

My knees don’t dance, my back doesn’t garden. It hurts. I can cook if it doesn’t involve bending and looking into the oven or standing at the counter for more than seven minutes. I’d travel if I wasn’t scared to death of flying on a Boeing. Walking the three kilometres from front door to gate past 800 shops and restaurants, then another couple of kilometres when they tell you they’ve changed gates, dragging carry-on luggage, is for masochists. Flying with my knees squeezed between my teeth, saves me from eating airline food but getting my elbows slammed by food carts is more sadism. My sense of purpose is maintained. I stay away from airports. And, my cognition has already declined as anyone can tell by reading this.

Practice gratitude: Focusing on positive aspects of life can shift attention away from negative news and help find joy in everyday moments

I’m grateful chickens sells for $5-$6 a kilo. A factory farmer makes an average of 28 cents a kilo. If the poultry farmer/torturer made 30 or 40 cents a kilo, Loblaw et al would charge us $8 to $10 a kilo for what tastes like paste.

I’m also grateful Patrick keeps our ancient Subaru running. It’s ritualized. I describe the problem, he graciously pulls the keys from my hand, takes it for a spin, comes back five minutes later and tells me my rear gargonzola relay has said last rites and it will cost us a monthly payment for his RV. We’ve already paid for his house, maybe his daughter’s wedding. 

Use coping strategies: Techniques like thought labeling (using the APPLE method: Acknowledge, Pause, Pull back, Let go, Explore) can help mitigate stress associated with bad news.

I have an Apple computer. An iPad, an iPhone. They talk to each other and conspire to demand new operating systems I don’t need, want or understand. That’s enough Apple. Mostly it aggravates me. I acknowledge it, pause by leaving it at home, pull back by burying it under my socks, let it go by indulging revenge and refusing to charge it. “What’re you going to do about it?” Humans rule. And, head out to explore the iPhone-less world. Of course, I retrieve it the phone five minutes later and charge it in the car. You never know when the Subaru needs to call CAA.

By implementing these strategies, elderly individuals can better manage their mental health and maintain a positive outlook, even when faced with a constant stream of negative news.

Up yours.